This morning I was looking through some of my old writings from May of 2010 and decided that I would share with you two things that I wrote when I was first beginning to take steps onto my spiritual path and expand my consciousness.
I felt that today I needed to read something that would set my mind back on that path and wake me up to the fact that I don’t need to be perfect. I keep playing foolish games in my head and pushing all forms of love away in my life because of that constant message existing in the back of my mind, “You are undeserving because you are not perfect.” It doesn’t matter if it is love from my husband or my kids or just a compliment I receive, I always just shrug it off.
I really hate this mentality of mine and I know that I don’t need to be perfect, yet I still battle with it all the time. I have seen myself overcome this limiting belief time and time again, but these days I just feel so stuck with it. I also know that this battle is an opportunity in my life to further awaken and learn a new lesson. I keep running from the fear inside of myself, not facing it and embracing it, calming it and listening to what it has to teach me. I don’t know what I am so afraid to face.
After reading some of my old writings, I realize how important writing has always been to me. It always helps me to find a little bit more about myself and to actually face those fears inside. It always helps me and I feel that it has been way too long now. I want to start writing again, instead of running. I would also like to start posting more of my writings on the blog and become less afraid of judgement. I have fear of being real here sometimes, even though it is my space.
I keep thinking (assuming) that no one really wants to hear these things or that it doesn’t really go with the theme of this being a vegan blog with recipes, but this is a part who I am. Life is not just always about food, but food is a part of life. Spirituality is also a part of life, it is nourishment for our spirit. So, really it is just me once again being afraid to be me and worrying about what others ‘might’ think about me.
I feel that when I am really being real and letting that girl inside come out, then I really inspire others which is what I truly want to do. So, here are some random writings of mine from way back when. I feel fear as I post these this morning, so hopefully that means this will touch someone out there today.
I feel sorry for that girl who needs and wants and is ever searching for herself
She doesn’t know who she is, she feels so insecure.
She doesn’t know what she wants, but she knows that she is not happy.
She seeks to fill her deepest longing with everything but what she truly longs for.
Her dreams are hidden from her consciousness, her potential has not yet birthed.
Her greatest attainment is but a grain of sand in a vast and infinite desert.
She can’t see past her fears and she is held back by her unbelief.
She has never learned to love herself, she cannot extend love or receive it.
She doesn’t know that heaven is here, but is determined to find it someday.
She is blind to the present as her mind is controlled by her fears.
Lost in a world of selfish gain and conceit.
She tries, but can never find her true self.
She asks for divine intervention, hoping to receive a miracle.
Externally there is no miracle, so she continues in unbelief.
But as she lives and with each breath she takes, the miracle exists.
Each step she takes, each moment she exists she is changing.
If she could only see the life she has been given and what love and hope she has.
She would know who she is, she could find her security.
She would find joy beyond measure.
She could feel what it is to be loved and love others.
She could pursue an immeasurable potential and ever expand her consciousness.
She could find satisfaction for every longing.
The raging waves of fear could be stilled in an instant.
Her belief would blossom and her eyes would be opened.
She would see that she lacks nothing. She would never feel lost.
She is complete and alive, meant for such a higher purpose.
I feel sorry for the girl who doesn’t now she is the miracle.
May 19, 2010
Fear rooted deep in the depths of my soul
Births each day new hopelessness
Disguised as life
The branches it bears, bring forth death to my consciousness
It’s roots are deep and are well established
Old and unshakeable
As the wind dances through me
I am one with this tree
I was born of it
It is my life
The wind blows again through the leaves
Some seize opportunity and find release
In the unfathomable power of the wind
No longer rooted
They are free
Where they are going, no one knows
Yet I remain as ever, clinging to the branch
It is my life
The wind blows again opportunity beckons me
I consider my roots and I hang on tight
For they are all I have ever known
Here, I am secure
I am identified with this tree
Again others dance and some take to the air
Yet I remain as ever, clinging to the familiar
It is my life
With every gust I wonder what my life could be like
As I watch them dance in unbounded possibility
Held by the immeasurable
So alive and care-free
Surrendered to the unknown
Yet I remain as ever, clinging to what I know
There is a change in the wind today
I feel a readiness in my spirit
I am swayed back and forth as I continue to hang on
It whispers secrets of life and beckons me to let go
Once more I feel my roots, as I surrender the familiar
Yielding to the mystery of what awaits
I find what it is to be truly alive
Wishing you all a great day!