My Missed Miscarriage Story – Oscillating Emotions


This is a continuation of my journal entries during my miscarriage process and leading up to the day of the passing of my baby. ❤ Part one can be found here.

Some of the text format is flawed and confusing due to being copied and pasted from my other documents and onto this site, so excuse that.

March 18th, 2020

12:23

I think this is the end now and I am giving this situation over to God. I can accept that some things are not
meant to be, no matter how much we wish them to be. I can accept that I was not meant to have you at
this time.

I went in for the HCG blood work at 10:30 this morning. I don’t need to know the results because I can tell
that today is the day that I will lose you from within me.

After feeling the reality of it and coming to acceptance, I started cramping around 12:10. I pray that it will
happen fast and without complications and I am grateful to God that it is happening sooner than later, if
you were never meant to live, though I do wish I could have seen you and got to know your personality
and watch you grow.

Thank you for being a part of our lives, even though it was brief. We love you and will never forget you.

More cramping and bleeding today in the morning and again in the evening. I was prepared for you to go but the process is still going on. It’s the length of time in this in between that it so difficult. I know that there will be great pain and sadness when I go through the miscarriage but I am ready when you are.

I talked with Grandma today and she was more accepting of your passing. It is hard for us all. More tears were shed.

I talked to Uncle Chris (doctor) too and he helped to let me know it is actually over. I am tired of keeping alive any false hope. I have given this over. I have shaken and trembled and shivered and wept.

Later

Was it something I did? Was I not healthy enough? Was I too stressed? Why did I only get such a short amount of time with you?

I miss you and I never even really got to know you, but I knew you. I love you forever.

….

March 19th, 2020

3:45

We took a trip out of the house to get veggie burgers and fries. It’s been hard to just be inside the house waiting. Thankfully Daddy had taken the rest of this week off to be home to watch your siblings and be there for me.
Have been feeling emotional and still nauseous. Had bleeding this morning,  brown/red but not a lot. Got call from midwife to confirm lowered hcg levels.
Have started having more cramping and pain near my cervix. I am afraid because this pain is already very intense and I hope that it is normal. Still, if I am already in this much pain, I am not looking forward to anything more intense.
Got some Tylenol just in case and called Grandma.

 

March 20th, 2020

Went out for a long walk with Daddy in the morning.

Wanted to make sure that everything is healthy with me so was thinking of calling the doctor when they called me just before lunch. I talked to Dr. Mann and thyroid was 4.5 which is still in the normal range. He was trying to say that maybe the dates are still off and that I should wait until Monday’s ultrasound before I truly believe that you are gone. I am tired of people giving me false hopes though, so I called uncle Chris to talk about the truth of the situation, which is that HCG has lowered and continues to lower, so we can say that this pregnancy is truly over and I can prepare for what happens next.

Made and ate chocolate cake. Went to the Evergreen Store to stock up on some foods in case stores start to shut down or can’t get foods.

Spent the evening watching YouTube and browsing Facebook, texted with Christine.

Had some contractions type pain and cramping, but no bleeding really. Some browninsh blood in the day.

Watched some videos on miscarriage at night. Wanting to know what to expect when the time comes. I heard that the labor pains are very painful and I am a little fearful over that and the possibility of bleeding too much. Scary and sad stories, but I am staying positive and hopeful that this can all be completed at home and hopefully before Daddy has to go back to work on Tuesday.

Evening

Kesa is asking if maybe it is possible that the ultrasound we had got mixed up with someone else and that
maybe you are just actually still alive and that is hard because I almost want to believe that too and
everything else that any other person tries to say to me that keeps a shred of hope alive. But I can’t do that
to myself and I don’t want my body to even block the process of miscarriage with my mind that way
because you aren’t alive and that is the reality.
We went to the store today and bought you a blankie and stuffie that we will keep in remembrance of
you. It is a Lemon Drop chick beanie boo that I was originally going to get for Pheonyx for Easter but
when I thought that we definitely should still buy you one, I remembered that cute little yellow chick and
knew we had to go and get it. When I suggested it to Kesa she was excited by the idea, so we went and
almost didn’t find any left, but there was one! So it was meant to be and I will think of you when we see
it. We also bought a grey blanket with an Elephant on it and a blue circle on its cheek that looks like
maybe it is crying and there is a blue heart shaped balloon on it as well. It seemed a perfect blankie since
we don’t know if you are a boy or a girl.
Pheonyx saw the baby items tonight and the beanie boo and he said, “Is that for my sister?” He realizes
that something is going on and he talks about “the baby in the belly” or his “brother or sister” and it’s
tough now to hear that because I am sad for him. We were so looking forward to him having a younger
sibling to play with and even if we have another baby, that can not ever replace you. Even Kesa said, “It
won’t be the same.” So, you see, you are a special individual and one who could never ever be replaced.
After we bought these items, I decided we should name you. It is only right that you, a human being,
should have a name. We all loved Rowen a few weeks ago and we thought we may choose it if you were
to be a girl but it is also a gender neutral name so we are choosing it for you. We are still undecided on a
middle name.
I messaged Holly again tonight and also talked to Grandma and both were comforting. Sometimes my
head gets swirling with so many different thoughts, emotions and fears and it helps to have someone to
talk to. Holly suggested that I take a belly picture and it’s something I hadn’t thought of before because I
never started showing. I did take one picture but I counted that only as a beginning picture before the
showing of anything so I did another one tonight in honor of you and now I am one step closer to being
ready to go through with the actual end of the pregnancy.

The most difficult thing is that I think no one really cares or understands what I am going through.
Everyone else’s life is continuing on like normal and I am all over the place with emotions. It is very hard
and it likely will be for a long time, for the rest of my life. And to have no one really understand that I
think is going to be hard. I just hope it doesn’t turn me bitter or angry.
Another night together it seems, so I am saying good night.

March 21st, 2020

Having some more bright red bleeding and passing some tissue. Maybe today will be the day.

Relaxed all morning. Ate oatmeal, brown sugar and strawberries. Still taking my prenatal viatmin to help with my health and the bleeding after miscarriage. Texted with Gaga.

Went out for a walk. Headache today. 😦

March 21st, 2020

Went to Europa with Autumn. Had cramping and bleeding with clots. Visited Grandma and Gaga.

Came home, went out for a walk with Craig. Having more red blood and clots.

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