Surrendering to God’s will is not easy. We do it every day to a greater or lesser degree in many instances in life but when it comes to losing your child, it’s different.
I learned from my Mom the spiritual, letting go part. It’s a deep and forever grief that we both share but with different experiences.
I remember the wishing and hoping for things to remain as they are. Not wanting to have to face that everything I wanted and hoped for, and was even blessed to receive, must not be mine to keep and to experience. At least not on my timeline. The child was not meant to be born. This being, not meant to incarnate fully as a physical being to live, love and laugh with us. No giggles, no smiles. Not even a face to put to the energy. Nothing but the memory of our attachment, which is real as anything and yet, so impossible for any one else to comprehend.
I don’t always feel sad. I know everything happens for a reason and it was God’s will that we weren’t meant to have a life together in the physical. But sometimes I feel that grief I try to avoid, that unbearable sadness breathing down my neck, speaking to my mind, remembering the surrender I had to come to. Laying it all humbly down and submitting to God’s will, not just that I would never get to see or hold, raise or kiss my child, but that my dreams and wishes had to be forfeited. The biggest lesson of all was to not become bitter or hardened, jaded, jealous. To not blame myself or keep asking, “why?” The emotional part was and is the most difficult part. The attitude I choose to carry. To celebrate other births and pregnancies with true joy and to continue to be grateful for all that I do have and the children, family and friends I am blessed to have, living and breathing and making memories together with me. To not have to really and fully understand why.
Some days I think about Rowen more but I am sure I think of him/her every day to some degree. It is also coming up to the due date and of course there are moments in time that I wonder what that would have felt and looked like, how we would be living life. I will also always be forced to feel it because the date falls on my oldest daughter’s birthday, October 10th.
Tonight I am missing Rowen a lot. Tonight I cry. Tonight I feel. Tonight I am humbled again when I think of divinity and plan and purpose. Tonight I remember those excitements, the planning and prepping, the dreaming and hoping. The sickness. 😝Tonight I acknowledge that I am still human and soak in the warmth and comfort of the love of a bigger and higher world.
Count your blessings, friends! ❤ Life has an amazing way of never ending up how we imagined to remind us, we aren’t in control.