One day after miscarriage…

Today, life goes on. Craig is back at work and I am rebuilding our family life. We made homemade pizzas and Kesa made a cake. I am grateful for my family and our beautiful memories, past and in the making.

Life is hard and grief is really hard. Waking up this morning I had all different emotions again, depression, sadness, anxiety, loneliness, feelings of trauma (I haven’t really begun to process what happened the past 11 days, let alone the actual event) feelings of something, everything missing, nothing as it should be, and no answers as to why. But also moments of acceptance.

There is an emptiness for sure but life goes on and I think that is the hardest thing. I get sad when I think everyone will change and forget the pain and it will always be most present for me. Those who forget about your loss, pain, and suffering after time has passed or wonder why you aren’t over it. Those whose lives go on while you remain stuck somewhere in this misty hazy time period of feeling everything all at once.

I don’t know how long all of these emotions will stay so up and down, so fresh. I know hormones are playing a factor too right now. I just hope I can make it through this as unscathed as I can, without lingering bitterness, anger, regret, guilt, fear, anxiety and depression.

Today, I am grateful for sunny skies, a walk outside in that sun, homemade food and kitchen helpers. I love each of my children’s sweet faces and I am cherishing every moment as best I can.

{I am not sure that I will ever be whole again but I like many things in the above quote.}