Lifetimes Within A Lifetime

A glorious thought and feeling is to know that throughout life, we are constantly transforming. Sometimes it’s hard to catch up to the changes or to say goodbye to the self that we used to be and the life that was so familiar and both comfortable and comforting to us.

Not only ourselves, but others change and transform as well. Life is in a constant forward motion and for those who don’t like rides or get motion sickness easily, life can be quite a ride! A ride that you can’t get off of. Change, you can’t prevent. Time, you can’t get back.

I find it difficult sometimes to catch up to who I am and the constant changes. The past few nights I have been making time to spend with just Pheonyx. Because Serafina has her special needs and therapies, I find she often gets special time with Craig and I. Autumn and Kesa get their schooling time and we spend moments to just talk about their hopes, dreams, struggles and fears, but Pheonyx is sometimes lost in the shuffle these days since our breastfeeding connection ended a month ago. I can tell that he could use more one-on-one. So Craig has been playing guitar with him and they’ve been playing instruments and singing songs. I sing along too (and take pictures and videos because, you know, time is moving forward) and Pheonyx loves it!

This age is also a delicate age for toddlers. They are transitioning from being a dependent baby, to a more independent child but are still in between, sometimes finding it challenging to fully express themselves and understand/control their emotions, so I know that although it is challenging for us as the parents and siblings, it is also challenging for him to be changing and having to adapt to his new self. He’s awakening to himself as an individual and he’s discovering himself and trying to share with us just who he has come to earth to be. An exciting and challenging time, and a time that has had me even more on the edge of my seat because of the fact that we had Serafina who never developed speech, so I find Pheonyx’s milestones to be fascinating and a relief but also I feel like it’s been so long since I had a child who developed “normally” and so every word and action with him seems such a miracle and just so brand new.

All of these thoughts on changes often have me reflecting. I look back on memories with a definite fondness but sometimes with regret, fear or sadness. Sometimes I feel I didn’t do enough, that I could’ve done more, done something differently, or that time just simply went by too fast and I feel sadness for the fact that I won’t get that time back to be present in. If you aren’t there while you are there, try as you may, you can’t have that exact experience again.

When it comes to myself and my personal growth, it can also be sad that a phase of life has come to an end. Pheonyx being a baby and my role as a mother to him at that stage is one such example. Another, could just be a certain mindset that I carried with me at a time that has shifted as I’ve learned more life lessons. It’s beautiful to see the changes and how spirit is interwoven in our every day lives, carrying us, guiding us, teaching us, yet also jarring, even humbling sometimes to look back at who we were. I can’t believe I was that naive…egotistical…concerned…conceited!  

Change, growth is both good and necessary. It is nutriment for the soul but can also feel agonizing to the ego that wants to cling and form attachments to things, not just material, but ethereal. We can cling to thought patterns that are outdated or hold onto beliefs that no longer serve and often fear is the motivator. In these cases, we are either unconscious that a time has passed or we simply are afraid to let go of the old to embrace the new, now, or the unknown that is the future.

Our clinging can cause so many things to happen. Mainly, it can cause us to live in an unreality. We miss out on the now (that is soon to also be the past) when we don’t move on to new phases or adopt new modes of thinking, fit for our evolved selves/state. We can cause illnesses in our bodies and energetic blockages when we carry regret for or guilt over the past or an unwillingness to let go of a certain time or relationship to a person that is no longer what we want/thought or who maybe has passed on physically. This is also true of fear we carry with us of the future. Disease is ‘dis-ease’ in the mind that manifests into our bodies. Refusing to move forward and stay conscious of our transforming selves and others in our lives also causes us to live in delusion and prevents us from feeling joy, peace, calm, and acceptance. If we aren’t embracing life in its entirety then we can be sure that there will be energetic disturbances in our mind and body. Mindfulness, consciousness, is the key to living our best and most healthy lives.

I wanted to end this post with something that I wrote a few months ago, upon having this realization of experienced transformation:

I expand and contract. I ebb and flow. I am human but I am like the elements. Enveloped and enclosed within this structure that pulses and beats and sustains, I dwell. Time and experience transform me. Eyes closed, seeking within, I do not recognize myself, as once again I am a different me. Like a book containing many chapters, new words, paragraphs, and pages are added to my life, my being. I lose nothing in this transformation although each passing sequence of time can seem lifetimes ago and I do not recognize that past me. I lose nothing, but as more time adds character to my being, which is etched into my face, and felt within my body, I have to once again get used to this new me who is added to the old me. Each day, I am a new creature. My daily goals: to know myself, to love myself, to take care of me so that I can take care of others. So that this incarnate being can radiate through my form and make a difference on this planet and in the lives of those who’ve come to share this experience with me.


Although we don’t always find it easy to take time to be present and to catch up with ourselves, I think it is paramount. The one thing certain about life is that it is in a constant forward-moving flow. If we don’t let the waves carry us, we exert a lot of effort in trying to swim against the current. No matter how hard we may try and how much effort we exert, we can never go back to who, and how things were, for life has carried us away from that experience and unique moment in time.

A familiar and common phrase, “go with the flow,” seems a fitting summarized conclusion to this post. “Go with the gentle flow of life,” that is. Trust it.

Let us be conscious of the laws of motion and transformation, and in being awake with the reality we are in, we can also better predict our future by partnering with God, spirit, to consciously create a beautiful, healthy life.

Much Love,