I’ve heard it before. The passing of judgement upon me. Yes, it may be natural that we judge, however, I have an issue with people who go out of their way to make comments to people either through social media, or in person, using words or actions to inflict pain on purpose. I personally cannot even understand why somebody would do this on purpose. Sure, we all make negative judgements from time to time on another being and maybe silently question what they are doing or why they are doing it, but to go out of the way to purposely say or do something to a person, stating an opinion on what they think that they should be doing or questioning them as to why they are doing a certain thing, I just don’t understand that.
I lack the understanding of intentional cruelty and can’t get into the mind of the hurtful person, so I find that I have to come up with some kind of theory as to why they would act this way. I want to better understand so that I can forgive or at least come to peace and acceptance of the fact that the cruelty occurred.
A lot of people say that hurt people, hurt people. I believe that could be true, but I think that we are all hurting in some ways, or have at least all experienced hurt, and we’re not all going around purposely hurting others. I know that I have often been questioned or put down or purposely hurt during happy times or when I make happy posts, trying to spread some light and positivity. A lot of people think spreading positivity is stupid or they think that they know you better than you do, psychoanalysing and judging your positvity as running from your true feelings. I’ve had people who claim to be psychic tell me things that I know are not true of myself. And not helpful things either, things just meant to hurt or to instil fear on purpose. Things seemingly meant to try and knock you off of your happy horse. Again, I try to understand, why? I try to be the bigger person and extend kindness anyway and it has been an issue for me all of my life.
I have allowed people to treat me poorly and just kept on having a relationship with them and allowed the abuse to continue, even after expressing myself clearly about how I am made to feel badly in the relationship. I have been told that I am too sensitive and every other excuse that the dominant person tried to lord over me (you) in an attempt to keep the unhealthy relationship going because they gain satisfaction in siphoning energy or just plain do not want to admit that they have done anything wrong or hurtful. Sometimes I have stood up for myself but when they slander me right back, I let them win and I have submitted because I always want to do the right thing and be the higher person in the situation, extending my love and kindness, exchanging energy again anyway.
It seems that the people who are most vulnerable to attacks such as these from others’ unkind and harsh judgements, manipulation, emotional abuse, psychological/spiritual attacks, are the ones who seem to be the most selfless, kind and loving people. The ones who give of themselves and strive to do good in their daily lives by making the world around them a better place through their thoughts, words and deeds are the targets. It is as if those who want to attack know that these people are nice and so they feel that they have an advantage over them because they are not going to stand up for themselves. They have a sense that you will take the abuse and it’ll hurt you and it will harm you for a long time. In a way, it very truly is a psychic attack because they get into your mind and try to stay there as an inner voice of yours, an untrue inner voice against the true inner voice. One that likes to remind you of how wrong you are, how terrible you are, how stupid you are, how much you are lacking, one that has you now continually questioning yourself. And it’s not as though you don’t already know your own shortcomings as a more sensitive being/an empathic intuitive but when it comes from outside, it is like a double arrow of pain being thrust into your being.
I have had a hard time wondering about certain relationships that I have with people, whether they should continue or whether I should cut them off, and I’ve gotten advice from different people and have read different things. A lot of people say to just cut the person off. I have never felt that to be exactly right, I suppose because of the Christian in me that wants to not repay an evil or unkind deed with more evil or unkindness. But then I wonder how much of myself is just being a doormat and not loving myself and/or my family enough to set boundaries.
I’m more and more becoming a believer in setting more and clearer boundaries assertively as a form of self-love and self-care and letting myself be ok with those boundaries and not beating myself up for not being just passive and nice all of the time to everybody who continues to be cruel and hurtful on purpose to me or oblivious to my needs or feelings as a person. This includes blocking people on social media or just ignoring people who have proved time and time again to be completely false in character. People who act nice to your face and talk behind your back and you know about it, but have had the pattern of excusing this toxicity, believing that it is more right to be the bigger person and continue to allow it in the guise of being forgiving. People who outright call you names either on the internet or in person, or even those who like to humiliate you in front of others which can include on the internet or in person.
My personal conviction always comes down to freewill and freedom of a human being. And I do believe that if someone comes along and starts to tell you how you should live or what you should do, even if they are a good friend or family member of yours, you cannot just take their advice or believe what they say. We have to measure these things against our inner conviction and inner truth. Deep down, we do know that truth, even though sometimes maybe we are too anxious, depressed, distracted, shameful, or prideful to hear the small voice inside. We are continually being guided spiritually and the truth is that we don’t need somebody else to tell us what to do or how to live our life. Although sometimes it is nice when somebody comes along or you stumble across something in life, in an article, or a song or a video, or someone says something that perhaps confirms what your inner truth is saying, the inner truth should be the guidance that we follow and listen to most closely.
It truly saddens me to think of how many people have lost touch with this inner truth, either because of what other people have told them or because of the mass fear that we have actually been inculcated with, causing many to have lost touch with the spirit within, the truth that resides within our being. And then there are those who like to come along when you are in a very good place and it is like a “spiritual attack” as some people like to call it, or a “test of faith”. We question ourselves and we question our paths when these things come along in our life. We may almost want to give up, even though we know that we’ve been feeling so good and that the path has felt right for us. I know that some of you will know exactly what I am talking about when I write these words. And the sad truth is that sometimes we do lose our way and we do get defeated by these unkind and untrue words or actions that people say or do, the unsolicited judgements and advice offered. We give up, we lose the way again. But I am here to ask, how many times do you want to keep losing your way because of what you know is already an untruth?
I think that we need to rise higher than these judgements and the unsolicited advice that we get on our lifestyle choices, our diet choices, our new haircuts, the color of our hair, the clothes we wear etc. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. We are free to be who we are and dress how we want and make these choices and I think that as long as we are not hurting anyone with the decisions that we make (which of course we would not be if we were following truth), it is something that should be respected. Freewill of an individual should be respected and no one should try and be master over another by inflicting abuse or ridicule upon them or using manipulation tactics to get someone down and depressed or to exert power or control over that person.
You have the right to change who you are, how you live and what you believe at any moment along your journey. Freewill gives you this. For those who understand the reality of freewill, they would not pass negative judgements on those who evolve and change along their path. They would not attempt to hold them back, even if it the latter means feeling more secure or comfortable in their relationship with that person. They see you grow and change and love you alongside every transformation, even if it means the dynamic of the relationship, or the relationship altogether ends of transforms in a way that makes it no longer relevant to the present. They can let you go and let you be.
I also don’t understand why people feel the need to continually judge others and stare directly at others’ lives and paths when they have their own life to live. They have their freedom and they can make their own choices on what they want to do with their life, how they choose to live, their beliefs, their diet or lifestyle choices, how they want to dress or wear their hair, whether they want to be on social media or not, etc. It just shouldn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter to that person but for some reason, they feel the need to tell you how you should live your life because they know better than you do. They act like a god who has come to convict you of your sins and shortcomings. But the truth is that God from outside in another human being can’t approach you in this way. There is an inner God in yourself, God lives in you and is always telling you what is true and what is good and even if you get lost or confused, that voice will still be there, even if it gets buried deep down or perhaps more quiet because you haven’t listened to it for so long.
The recent events of my life have presented this recurring issue, which has led me to write this post in hopes of inspiring other people today who may be going through the same, getting tired of being a doormat, getting tired of putting up boundaries that have been disrespected, or being too afraid to set boundaries at all because you always want to be the nice guy and be the more loving person in the relationship. You don’t have to do this anymore. You are free. Yes, listen to the inner voice inside of you to discern what you should do in each situation but don’t let other people tell you how you should live, what you should dress like, what you should call yourself, how you should raise your kids, how you should eat, how you should pray, what you should believe, for you were given this powerful, wonderful and beautiful gift of freewill and choice. You don’t have to be a robot, you can be a free human being and live in the light of your truth.
Negative outer criticism and judgement can be a blessing at times because it does open our eyes to where we are still judging ourselves and where we are sensitive. Maybe it is showing us where we need to put up our boundaries, practice assertiveness, and/or where we need to affirm the truth over ourselves in place of lies and untruths. The hurt, the pain, the unkindness, the untrue judgements, we need to let them all go and to surrender into a peaceful state of remembering the truth of who we are.
We are more than all of these material things, clothes, body, house, job, beliefs. We are, at our core, spiritual beings, and if we were all conscious of the fact of who we are as spiritual beings, there would be no negative, demeaning judgement on another because we would see that at our core, there is no real difference between each other. Our path is our path and we don’t need to be told what to do by another person. We, as human beings, have been given freewill, and we are each creating a beautiful masterpiece with every decision that we make, decisions that are made in truth, in line with truth. Our life, each breath that we are given, each day that we open our eyes to, is like a blank canvas that we can create with what we choose through the decisions that we make, the thoughts we choose to think, the attitude we choose to hold, the way that we treat other people. Nobody else holds the paintbrush for us.
So friends, don’t let other people try and take your paintbrush or interfere with your masterpiece. Let the inner working of spirit within you guide you in truth and wisdom and love and inspire you to create beautiful things on your canvas and in your life. Paint with many colors, allow the darker shades to enhance the beauty of the lighter shades. Appreciate that both are needed. Feelings, being the colors that you paint with, add more depth and beauty to your life. You are a beautiful being of body, soul and spirit. These experiences that you are given, even if pervaded with depression and anxiety, are also a part of growing and learning and changing and coming closer to understanding the totality of what you are. Take every hurt, every anger, every fear, every sadness, every judgement passed upon you by another, and transmute it onto your canvas, creating beauty, wisdom, knowledge, understanding, faith, peace and more trust in truth than you ever have had experienced before.