It is the middle of summer and I am sitting in the sunshine, talking with Craig about having another baby. I smile as I recall my previous pregnancies and how I miss having the big belly and feeling the awesome responsibility of caring for another life inside of me. We reminisce about the labor and delivery and I say “It wasn’t so bad.” We discuss getting pregnant again and imagine what life would be like with another bundle of joy and I feel a sudden sadness come over me. I wonder to myself, what if I never get pregnant again?

Fast forward to the present, I am cuddled up on the couch in the living room, too nauseous to move. The smell of toast wafts in from the kitchen along with the familiar scent of my long-lost love peanut butter. Then I hear myself say something I never thought I would ever say, “Don’t you dare bring that peanut butter anywhere near me!” Yes, I am definitely pregnant.

Nothing that I used to love appeals to me at all anymore. Peanut butter or any other nuts, oatmeal, pasta, muffins, cookies. That’s right I said cookies! That was one of the reasons that I suspected that something must be up with me, because the thought of having cookies or any other dessert-like treats makes me completely sick. At Christmas I had zero cookies and zero treats, all I wanted was salty things and kept dreaming of chips and other greasy disgustingness. It seemed so strange. It’s not only sweets, it’s all food really. There is nothing that appeals to me at all lately, eating has become a chore and I dread the thought of cooking.

Foods that I tolerate and feel not so sick eating are:

• Brown Rice
• Raw Vegetables
• Fruit – Apples, Grapes, Bananas, Melons, Pineapple
• Avocado/Cucumber Sandwiches
• Homemade French Fries
• Tomato Soup and Crackers

Another thing is the zits. They are uncontrollable. It is like a tiny city is taking over my face. And the weepiness. I cried twice in the past few days over nothing really. I was just laying on the couch complaining about my fat knees and worrying about never being able to exercise again. I actually had that thought. I was balling over my fear of spending the rest of my days with my but glued to the couch, spitting extra saliva into a cup, wondering if this was my fate.

Dealing with food aversions/craving, nausea, weepiness, moodiness, backache, excess saliva and constant fatigue, being pregnant is no walk in the park. Romanticizing about how I felt when I was pregnant before was exactly that romanticizing. I seemed to have only remembered what I wanted to. Now I remember clearly how it really is and I also remember that it only gets worse. I was looking through my old pregnancy journal from when I was pregnant with Kesa and that jogged my memory. I also remembered when I was pregnant with Kesa and I gave in to nearly every craving I had, eating a lot and a lot of nasty foods that really weren’t healthy for baby or me. This time around I know better than to indulge my cravings. After reading up a bit on the subject I found proof to support my opinion that just because you crave something, doesn’t mean that your body needs it. Most people believe that it is our bodies telling us what we need, but I can’t see how eating oreo ice cream, hot dogs or pizza for example are needs for your body. One thing that I came across was that cravings for certain foods may actually be craving for the associations that we have with certain foods or past memories. Being pregnant we women can tend to ride an emotional roller coaster at times and perhaps we may hope that some foods will just make us feel better emotionally or take us back to a more peaceful time in our lives. That I can agree with.

My goal this time in my pregnancy is to be healthy. I had a hard time being pregnant last time around when I was over 200 lbs to start and 230 lbs when I was nine months. I also thought (as many women do) that being pregnant I could eat whatever I wanted. I only gained about 30 lbs, but what I was eating was mostly complete garbage and empty calories. I also hope to keep active as much as I can this time around, which is proving to be difficult so far. I have done yoga a few times, but I just feel so nauseous most of the day that sitting still seems to feel best. It is also way too freezing out these days to go out for a walk.

One thing that this pregnancy is teaching me is the impermanence of all feelings and situations. I keep reminding myself that nothing lasts forever and that this too will be over soon and I will undoubtedly miss it. I will likely find myself again someday romanticizing the whole thing with Craig and pondering the thought of having another baby. He will likely roll his eyes and if he is smart, he will open up this blog post and read it to me.