I have been thinking a lot again these days. Yesterday we did our grocery shop in the city, something that Craig and I can’t really stand to do. For me, it basically makes me really sad. I’ve been thinking since I wrote my last post that as much as I would like to believe that I don’t hate the world, I really kind of do.

A lot of people do different things as a means to escape reality, with their ipods or other gadgets, watching T.V, shopping or working all the time, etc. All these things are used as their means to escape ever thinking or actually taking a look at the world and finding out what their place is in it. The people who are more awake and aware and choose not to fill their consciousnesses with such things still can use yoga, their diet or meditation as an escape from reality. We all do it to some degree.

I know that I have attachments and that I too do things to escape reality. Even this blog or keeping my mind on recipes and convincing myself that I am making a difference in this world, because that is really what I want to do. Shopping yesterday made me feel so bad inside, more so than usual. I hate the fact that we go in and there is just stuff everywhere and that people just buy and buy, consume, consume. Some stuff you could say is necessary and that we ‘need’ but most is just for pleasure or to gratify our senses. I can’t help but know that with every checkout scan we are destroying our planet a little bit more.

I try not to let it bother me and convince myself that I am doing alright because I am just buying what we need to feed our family, but I still have to wonder how it got to this point. Where does all of this food come from? How did it get to me? How much destruction has it caused? Did people have to die for me to have it? How is it that we can just walk into a store and not have to know anything about how all of our stuff is made or the behind it?

I know most people don’t really care and a lot just think that we are entitled to have whatever we want without having to think these things, but I can’t help but feel saddened by the fact that we don’t know and we don’t care.

Things have changed so much from what they used to be. People are so helpless really. If everything came crashing down, how would we survive? Most people don’t know how to grow their own garden or would have a very hard time going without.

Ideally, I would love to but only organic food (which in my opinion is what food should be called anyways) but it really is cheaper to buy the non-organic food. I would like to not shop at Superstore, but it really is cheaper and we are raising a family. I wonder how much I am just making excuses though and I know that there is so much more that I can do. I think that it is good that we plant a garden in the summer and that we live a vegan lifestyle, but still the fruit that we eat comes from halfway around the world has to get to me somehow.

I mentioned in my last post about how we vote with our dollar and I can’t help but be bothered by the fact that I am supporting Superstore and non-organic foods. I am saying that it is OK that they want to genetically modify my food and I have no problem feeding it to my children! Why has it come to this? The whole GMO thing is terrifying really. Still, because the non-organic tofu is $1.50- $2.00 cheaper than the regular one, I buy it.

I used to be more conscious about these things when we first went vegan, but somewhere along these years,  it’s like I had to convince myself that I can’t worry about it because it is still happening all the time. I just justify these things to myself by telling myself at least I am vegan and I have a blog. I am doing my part to help the world. I really am sick of my passive attitude though. I really do want to learn more about what my dollar is voting for and take further steps to living more simply and sustainably. After we loaded up our cart and paid all I wanted to do was get out of there and never go back again.

We used to eat a lot more whole grains and vegetables as our main meals. It sounds simple, but we really like it. I have been preparing our meals like this again lately, just cooked grains, beans and veggies. The only reason I went away from that for so long was because I was having so much fun coming up with recipes and a bowl of rice and steamed veggies is not exactly a recipe. I wanted to show people that being vegan does not just mean eating plain old rice and veggies, but that food can be fun and that you can have all of your favorite foods in a vegan way.

So I don’t know what I am going to do, but I have just been thinking and want to go back to when we first started our vegan journey. We did buy organic food and we did care about what we purchased and put into our bodies. I want to live more simply and be more conscious.

I was looking through old blog posts last night from when I started my blog and I was inspired to be that girl again. This space wasn’t all about recipes, but about my thoughts and what I had to say. It was about a girl who wanted to find herself in this crazy world and live her truth. I feel that in a lot of ways I have been just trying to write what I think people want to hear instead of what I really want to say because I was (am) afraid of what people would think of me. Once I knew that people were actually reading what I wrote I felt that I had to change who I was. I got sucked into this whole food blogging trend, reading many food blogs and comparing myself to them and forgot about simplicity and what I really wanted.

I still plan to post recipes, but I do want to write out my thoughts more too because I find it so helpful to me and would love to connect with others on a deeper level as well.