I haven’t had much time for anything these days. It has been a very busy winter, homeschooling and trying to find a rhythm and routine for our family, which is always changing as life is always changing. It is always about finding balance for me, which seems impossible to find. I wish that I had more time for this space and I really and truly do miss connecting with everyone through this space so bad. I miss writing. I miss connecting. I miss processing. I miss reflecting. I miss the positivity and the sharing and inspiring. I miss it all, but I don’t know how exactly to order my life at all these days.

Some days I feel like I am going to have a breakdown. Life is so busy with homeschooling, taking care of a very busy toddler (who is always into everything), trying to be a good mother and also trying to find time for me so that I can do it all. Also, in case you never noticed yet, I constantly battle with perfectionism, something I have had since I can remember. It is my darkness that always leads me closer to light, but is it ever hard to deal with!

I don’t mean to be negative or sound like I am completely in my ego reaching out for help and all in a turmoil, but in a way I am. I feel so alone sometimes being home with the kids all day. So much like a failure. So much like I will NEVER be able to do this all and give them what they need. Wondering if I should just put them in school and get a job. I have worries galore, confusion and a ton of doubt. Maybe it’s hormones. Maybe it’s the long winter. Maybe it’s the fact that the sun rarely shines these days. Maybe it’s just life. Maybe I am just human. I have over analyzed it all in my head over and over to the point where I am completely exhausted and feel that I have nearly driven myself crazy. So here I am writing and listening to this song that I recently stumbled across, which gives me some comfort amidst the chaos, confusion, doubt, tears and fears (and believe me, there are a lot of fears).

I wanted to share this song with you all too. I am hoping that I felt inspired to write and share again on this blog tonight for reason. I felt many times like coming here, but guilty for denying my responsibilities (the kids and schooling and house etc.), yet I wonder if this writing and reflecting could be something I really need to fit in my schedule sometime. I am always wondering what to do about my blog because I feel like before my blog and the book took so much time from my other responsibilities and I was stressed from that too. Also there is always that fear of putting myself, my real human self, my thoughts and feelings out there for everyone to see, which I worry about too, but tonight after I hit post, I am not going to think about this anymore, but just believe that someone out there needed to hear from a tired mother who just feels like sharing her reality, even if it is not all uppity and maybe will feel inspired if they are going through trials too (which I know we all always are in our own ways).

And if you believe in prayer or the power of thought and positivity. Please think of me because I really could use some sleep and a whole lot of encouragement and positivity to get my life back on track, my head on straight and to find some sort of balance. I know that things are really not that bad and I am probably overreacting from the way I feel right now and have been feeling these days, but I just feel like I could use some human interaction besides my husband and kids and to know that I am not the only one who ever feels this way, so caught up in the fear and confusion and that it will all be alright and in fact that everything is alright.

Sending much love to all of you beautiful souls! I truly appreciate all of you who read and who come here because they feel connected to me and my family.

“Don’t Mess With Karma”