I haven’t had much time for anything these days. It has been a very busy winter, homeschooling and trying to find a rhythm and routine for our family, which is always changing as life is always changing. It is always about finding balance for me, which seems impossible to find. I wish that I had more time for this space and I really and truly do miss connecting with everyone through this space so bad. I miss writing. I miss connecting. I miss processing. I miss reflecting. I miss the positivity and the sharing and inspiring. I miss it all, but I don’t know how exactly to order my life at all these days.
Some days I feel like I am going to have a breakdown. Life is so busy with homeschooling, taking care of a very busy toddler (who is always into everything), trying to be a good mother and also trying to find time for me so that I can do it all. Also, in case you never noticed yet, I constantly battle with perfectionism, something I have had since I can remember. It is my darkness that always leads me closer to light, but is it ever hard to deal with!
I don’t mean to be negative or sound like I am completely in my ego reaching out for help and all in a turmoil, but in a way I am. I feel so alone sometimes being home with the kids all day. So much like a failure. So much like I will NEVER be able to do this all and give them what they need. Wondering if I should just put them in school and get a job. I have worries galore, confusion and a ton of doubt. Maybe it’s hormones. Maybe it’s the long winter. Maybe it’s the fact that the sun rarely shines these days. Maybe it’s just life. Maybe I am just human. I have over analyzed it all in my head over and over to the point where I am completely exhausted and feel that I have nearly driven myself crazy. So here I am writing and listening to this song that I recently stumbled across, which gives me some comfort amidst the chaos, confusion, doubt, tears and fears (and believe me, there are a lot of fears).
I wanted to share this song with you all too. I am hoping that I felt inspired to write and share again on this blog tonight for reason. I felt many times like coming here, but guilty for denying my responsibilities (the kids and schooling and house etc.), yet I wonder if this writing and reflecting could be something I really need to fit in my schedule sometime. I am always wondering what to do about my blog because I feel like before my blog and the book took so much time from my other responsibilities and I was stressed from that too. Also there is always that fear of putting myself, my real human self, my thoughts and feelings out there for everyone to see, which I worry about too, but tonight after I hit post, I am not going to think about this anymore, but just believe that someone out there needed to hear from a tired mother who just feels like sharing her reality, even if it is not all uppity and maybe will feel inspired if they are going through trials too (which I know we all always are in our own ways).
And if you believe in prayer or the power of thought and positivity. Please think of me because I really could use some sleep and a whole lot of encouragement and positivity to get my life back on track, my head on straight and to find some sort of balance. I know that things are really not that bad and I am probably overreacting from the way I feel right now and have been feeling these days, but I just feel like I could use some human interaction besides my husband and kids and to know that I am not the only one who ever feels this way, so caught up in the fear and confusion and that it will all be alright and in fact that everything is alright.
Sending much love to all of you beautiful souls! I truly appreciate all of you who read and who come here because they feel connected to me and my family.
“Don’t Mess With Karma”
Don’t go messing with karma
It’ll come around
Didn’t anybody tell ya?
Don’t go messing with karma
It’ll come around
Street choir’s singing hallelujah
They’ll smile through the pain
There ain’t no wrong way to pray
Another sad eye looking for a laughter
Another kid growing up a little faster
You want someone to trust you, well you’ve got to be true
Don’t forget that love is all you came here for
Not anything less, need I say more?
Need I say more?
Don’t forget that love is all you came here for
Not anything less, need I say more?
Need I say more?Didn’t anybody tell ya?
Don’t go messing with karma (it’ll come around)True love is the right of every human
Who are we to take away the union?
You want something for yourself
Give it to someone else
Go around using God as a reason
What if all that you believed in
And what you thought was right turned out to be just a lie?Didn’t anybody tell ya?
Don’t forget that love is all you came here for
Not anything less, need I say more?
Need I say more?
Love is all you came here for
Not anything less, need I say more?
Need I say more?
Don’t forget that love is all you came here for
Not anything less, need I say more?
Need I say more?
Love is all you came here for
Not anything less, need I say more?
Need I say more?
Love is all you came here for
Not anything less, need I say more?
Need I say more?
Live. Learn. Love. Eat. 
First of all, big hugs to you. We have all been there, and I am sure we will all be there again. There is an ebb and flow to this mothering thing, some days are wonderful, other days are, well, ones we would rather forget. Second, it sounds to me like you need some “me” time doing things that make your heart and soul happy. And yes I know being a mother makes your heart happy, but sometimes we need to do other things too. Make time for them, make time for you, just do it, it will make the world of difference. Third, I am sending thoughts and prayers, and lots of positive thoughts your way.
Wish I was closer, I could take your kiddos out for a nature walk and give you a little break. If you need to chat you know how to reach me. xo
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Hey darling, sending you xoxo! It hits us all sometimes, you are certainly not alone ;). When I am in this spot myself I often want to examine which things in my life that I’m trying to hold up that just really aren’t necessary so I can make room for the things that really matter. Just a thought to ponder on my dearest. You were made in the perfection of God’s creation and you don’t need anything else but being your most true, beautiful self. You are in my prayers. 🙂 ~M
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(((Tiffany))) I wanted to start off by giving you a big hug and let you know you’re not alone. I’ve been there many a time. There’s nothing wrong with you. You ARE an amazing mom! You can’t expect to be everything to everybody. That’s just not humanly possible. Be gentle with yourself. I think if you’re easier on yourself you’ll find things will begin to fall into place. Praying for you!
“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen
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No matter how many emails are in my inbox, when I see one from you I immediately read it.
You have to plan some time for you. Whether it is a yoga class, book club or pottery class. If you don’t take care of yourself, you lose a piece of who you are. I’m sure you are great at all of your responsibilities. Sometimes looking at priorities means saying no to someone. Just don’t say no to you!
I also think the lack of sunshine does play a part in our mood. Hopefully, the sun will be shining on your family soon!
Keep writing when you can. You inspire so many people. I’ll also keep you in my prayers that you will find balance and peace.
Blessings to you & the family!
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Hi Tiffany, I am sorry to hear you are feeling like this and I send you many a warm thought to get you through these dark times. I went through a similar phase a while back and only managed to get out of it, once it was discovered I had virtually no vitamin D left in my body. After starting to take supplements things started falling into place again and I had the energy and nerves to cope with all the new experiences and surprises life sends our way. I would be happy if I in any way I managed to help you a little bit.
I send you big hugs and love,
Kathy
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Tiffany, I know that I don’t know but finding your blog was one of the best things for me. It help me to realize that I am not alone. I too struggle everyday constantly questioning myself about my homeschooling , how I raise my kids, what we put in our bodies… And so on. Your blog helped me through a depression that fell into. Your kind words and thoughts made me see how lucky I am to be a mother and I don’t for one second take that for granted anymore. Thank you. Post what’s in your heart not what you think people want to hear. You cannot please everyone. Plus this is your space and people need to respect that.
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Honor your mind and body by demanding that alone time you need! Do not feel guilty about it (easier said than done) I struggle with intense anxiety,constant guilt, and perfectionism (not a healthy cocktail haha) I have found my triggers and try to avoid them as much as possible. Even in the bad times our God is so merciful. Stay in prayer always!!
Much love
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I had the same feelings, doubts, and questions while homeschooling my boys and they managed to turn out great! I costantly felt that i wasn’t doing enough, or doing anything well enough…in homeschooling and everything else. I was told by a more experienced mom that if we didn’t feel that way we wouldn’t be the great, caring moms we are for our children. I believe that our children reflect their environment and you know you are giving them good, positive examples to reflect. I rarely took me time so I can’t speak on that point. I felt that there would be plenty me time after the boys weren’t little anymore, but that is just me. Some days I just cryed because it was all so overwhelming. Those times could be rough but looking back I wouldn’t change anything. My boys are now teenagers and they are both awesome people….and I had some influence in that.
Sending you love, understanding, and wishing you peace.
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I check your site often to see what fun you and your beautiful family are having. I also appreciate your thought-filled posts like this one. Being a woman, being a wife, being a mother, being a homeschool mom; all that being, can be exhausting. I think it’s important to find time for yourself, or even time to experience just you and your interests, and talents outside of motherhood and homeschooling. I think as homeschool mom’s we know this is true but we can’t figure out how to make that all fit in and sometimes it’s just not possible. Plan an hour away with a friend, or go window shopping, maybe a babysitter so you two can have a date. Or maybe dad takes the kids and you stay home and feel the calm in your house. Sometimes we just need some quiet. Much love to you. ❤
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Hang in there, Tiffany. I read your blog all the time and I am hoping the sunlight will come through and just brighten up everything for you. In the meantime, it really would be a good idea to make Dad take the girlies out for a movie or a nature walk and let you have an afternoon off. She who stays home works all the time, day and night — there are no vacations or days off for the stay-at-home mommy, especially one who home schools! That’s why you need an afternoon or even just a few hours off now and then. It’ll do the kiddos good to spend some three-on-one time with their dad!
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Tiffany, I missed this post and just read it after seeing your latest one. I am sorry you are going through such a hard time 🙂 Can I add my thoughts to those of the of the lovely ladies here, that of an older mother?
I am 55 and had my first child at 16. I raised 6 and worked. My family was everything. When they all grew and left home I felt I had nothing, was nothing. And that’s where I had put myself, I struggled for years to find a Me when I had no idea at all where to look. I struggled hugely – to lose one’s self is not OK. Raising happy children is so important but so are we and being a good parent needs to mean being a happy parent.
There is no such thing as perfect, we can never attain perfection so to keep aiming for it we are dooming ourselves to what we feel is failure. At present I am reading Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth” and what he says about conditioning, conformity to society’s insane standards, living from an ego of who we wish or expect ourselves to be is so, so true – it’s disabling and crippling to our true selves. Under all the bullshit of who I thought I was supposed to be for all those many years I found me and then I realised how important it should have been to have always been me because me is a nicer person than I ever tried to be. There is so much pressure on young mothers now but all I see is after all these decades in women’s struggle to do it all right is we are still trying to do it all right…for everyone else.
And one other thing. As a woman who now works in mental health I know this. We are never as other’s see us. Fraught with low self image we never see the self others see, the wonderful one. I work with beautiful souls who have no idea they are beautiful souls.
xxx
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Tiffany, I am sending you a big hug from afar. You are doing such a good job with homeschooling and bringing up your family. I agree with what other people have said. You need some ‘me’ time. The demands of being a stay at home mom are huge. You need a bit of time to chill out, relax, go and do a yoga class, go for a walk etc. You are human and need time to yourself. I am sending you lots of positive energy. I truly hope you can get some sleep and perhaps a couple of hours where you can just sit and do something for yourself. Good luck. Keep posting on your wonderful blog it always makes me smile.
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Everyone already said it beautifully. We all travel through dark nights and our soul struggles with these passages, but the return light is even more glorious than before we began the hard journey. Sending you a big virtual hug. You’re a beautiful momma and inspiration to those looking for another way to parent, and be human. xo
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Hey Tiff, yes others have said it beautifully.. I too, go through times of imbalance where everything feels dark, mainly to do with lack of self love & respect for myself, and feel like im trying to find a happy medium routine but I just cant get there. In a sense I think half the trouble is ‘trying’ to much and not just letting it happen.
One of the biggest realisations for me has been that you cant get to your ultimate destination in (mind/ body/ soul/ routine of life) and just stay there happily forever… its always a journey, that has ups and downs, its what life is all about really- the journey.
Hope your day is beautiful ❤
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Thanks Cody! I needed that inspiration today! It is always an upward journey with dark times that lead us closer to the light. 🙂 Sending love to you today also!
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