For the past few years, being semi-uninvolved in this site, I had been working a lot on my meditation and yoga practices, as well as my spiritual study. I also was wanting to just be in life, living in the moment and making memories with my children.
I felt as though I had a lot of growing to do, spiritually. It was my time to really go inward and seek.
I took to a daily asthanga yoga routine and really buckled down on my homeschool planning. This meant actually listening to a lot of Rudolf Steiner audio (the founder of Waldorf education) and also reading the material as well, as Rudolf Steiner emphatically states: “Who the teacher is is most important and above all, the teacher must be first and foremost an anthroposophist.”
I believe that to be the best teacher that I can for my girls requires me to take care of myself in body, soul, and spirit, and to also know what the human being is. How can we educate our children, if we have no fundamental knowledge of who and what we are? I also don’t believe in following trends or others homeschool curriculum’s for my unique children, but have always desired to homeschool for the purpose of helping my daughters to retain their individuality and freedom, while educating them for life in our world in a way that is both imaginative, creative, and artistic; to keep a part of their soul and spirit alive without deadening their thinking with abstract concepts, especially at too young an age.
I fell in love with Rudolf Steiner in February 2013. I have listened to over 80 of his books and lecture cycles as well as read those over (and many others as well). Craig and I both have a love for philosophy and are both spiritual seekers. I have a deep love for philosophy and esoteric Christianity. Rudolf Steiner’s spiritual science and anthroposophy (knowledge produced by the Higher Self in man) encompasses all religions, with its main focus being on the Christ event and the impact that it had and has yet to have on the evolution of humanity.
Steiner’s books and lectures have opened my eyes to the idea of reincarnation and karma, something of which I always had a sense for and interest in. His ideas are taken from clairvoyant, spiritual sight and are not mystical, dogmatic, or superficial. His spiritual science gives life so much more meaning and the listener/reader cannot help but experience a profound and deep reverence for all that the human being is, for the world, and all of the cosmos. Understanding that evolution is something that takes time and unfolds in time gives a sense of peace, while at the same time causes one to feel a sense of purpose and responsibility for their thoughts, feelings, and actions in life. Everything means something and is connected to our karma and every person’s karma has meaning for our cosmic evolution.
Spiritual science was something that I had been longing for all of my life. I have heard others state that, “Finding Steiner was like finding water in a desert,” and I couldn’t agree more. For a hungry soul, who longs and yearns for truth, Steiner’s spiritual science both satisfies and leave you hungry for more.
If you have read one Steiner book, or listened to one Steiner lecture, you have not even scratched the surface. These works cannot be judged or known until you have really given them a chance and actually taken the time to think, really think, not brain-based, sense-based thinking, but inner intuitive thinking, and experience what spiritual science has to offer. Each bit of knowledge offers a piece of the puzzle. Every subsequent bit of knowledge offers even more.
My love for philosophy, spiritual science, a Sattvic diet, getting out in nature, yoga, meditation, and being a free-spirited wife and mother is who I am. I also love to share who I am with the world. It is something that I was born to do. It is not in my nature to hide who I am. I have this deep down yearning to help others to be their best selves and so I strive daily to be my best self for that sole purpose. Not selfishly, but to be an inspiration and a light, even if most often that inspiration and light is here in my home for my family.
I feel things deeply and am also a deep thinker. I love to experience as much as I can through life and find out more about who I am daily, even hourly. I am changing all of the time. Craig sometimes has trouble keeping up with the changes he sees me going through, though I think he also finds it fascinating and perplexing to witness the transformation.
The fact that I am changing all of the time is why it is hard for me to have a blog. It seems that most people are more interested in having someone just be something and stay that way. People want to have some kind of firm identity in the world and to stick with that for the rest of their lives, some kind of label (like a job title or religious identity), but that is just not me. I am a seeker. I feel as Jason Mraz states in his song lyrics, “My home is deep inside the mystics, I’m known to keep diggin’ on existence.” That is me. An ever-changing, ever-evolving human being. My path is one of esoteric development and I devote myself to consciously tread this path through life. I am addicted to evolution of consciousness and because of this, it is hard for people to stay in my life (or interested in my life) for very long. I seem so all over the place, because I often am. I can’t bear unenlightening conversation or emotions based in fear and so my path can be a lonely one. I am a seeker and a journeyer after truth. I can’t help it, it is just who I am.
I believe we are all on an esoteric journey, whether we are conscious of it or not. We are all evolving, learning daily and growing. I also believe that consciousness of higher realms and a deeper understanding and yearning for truth enables one to awaken or advance further on the path of development. Though we may live in the same physical state of existence as someone else, in the realm of consciousness, we may be at either a higher or lower plane, and this is hard to judge, based on our sensory perceptions and thinking based on the intellect alone. To truly know where we are on the plane of consciousness, takes great spiritual insight, understanding, humility, love, and an ability to see into the supra-sensible (a gift that is not withheld from any man).
We all have the ability to awaken spiritual insight and to go deeper in our level of thinking and being. We all have divine spiritual gifts to share, even if they are buried under our misconceptions about ourselves, our fears, or a disbelief in anything that we cannot verify to be truth with our commonly known five senses.
My struggle is, and has always been, to be myself. This, especially because I do find that I change so often due to the fact that I love to learn. I know in my heart that the best thing to do is to just be. That is all. It is easier said than done, however, because though we often know what we should do and who we should be in spirit, in our human selves, we are afraid. Afraid not only of others opinions and judgments, but of our own power, ability to completely transform, and to know anything beyond our commonly known senses.
I feel like I have healed very much in the area of caring what other people think of me and how I raise my girls, but I often wrestle with my own ego in terms of being who I really want to and who I know that I can be. I was raised as a Christian, but my ideas of Christ are different than the typical beliefs that are so widespread in Christianity. Throughout the past six years I have studied different religious texts and different methods and ideas regarding spirituality, but have always maintained my belief in Christ and his death and resurrection. This had always intrigued me (even since I was a little girl) and I knew deep down that there had to be more to the story than what most people think of it. That is where Steiner’s anthroposophy spoke to me and shone light on the whole event.
For many years I identified more closely with Buddhism or taoism, than Christianity, until I discovered esoteric (inner) Christianity. I always believed that what Christ accomplished has a meaning for all of humanity and not just the chosen “elect” of God as I was taught to believe. I never felt right being brainwashed into thinking that because of my religion I was somehow better than others and couldn’t befriend them because they were “of the world,” were of a different race, or of held different beliefs and views. I also couldn’t believe that God would create us only to come to accept Jesus and find our way to heaven, as though if we fail to do that in our single lifetime we will be sent to a place of eternal damnation. Everything in the Christianity I was raised in was black and white and dualistic and extremely egocentric, yet the people in it simply could not see it.
I feel it difficult to identify myself as a Christian today because of the way Christianity is represented in our world. Because of this, I choose no label, but would like to call myself a free spirit. I also feel that the spiritual component and reverence is sadly lacking in many of the churches and in many people who profess to be believers. Most “spiritual” views are in fact quite materialistic and it doesn’t take a specially trained eye to see it.
I am grateful to have found esoteric Christianity and anthroposophy and am eager to continue my journey living and learning and finding what works for me in life.
Just some thoughts that have been wanting to leap out of my head. Wasn’t sure how this would end, but here it is.
If you have any insights or inspiration that you would like to share in the comments below, I would be happy to hear from you!