I haven’t blogged about anything personal for a while. Recently, we went through a miscarriage as a family and I wanted to start sharing again, about my story personally through all of this, both as a way to help me to heal through it, and also to help others who may find themselves going through this in life. This experience has really helped me to realize how much we need each other, even if strangers, in times of despair, sadness, loneliness, and anxiety over things to come, especially when they are inevitably to be faced. I know I am feeling all kinds of emotions and I want to help others to find some kind of hope, connection and relief from pain and anxiety through my writings and story.

It started with a pregnancy and a pregnancy announcement. And the next day, the beginning of a loss.

October 2020, Pheonyx is going to be a big brother! Time to tell now because I am getting way too sick to hide it and we are excited about our new little one already! 💛

I will start with sharing my past personal journal entries that expose my thoughts and oscillating emotions as I grieve through this process. I will share as candidly as I can of what I wrote and continue to share as I continue on through life after this loss. I know it will be a forever long journey.

….

March 17^th, 2020 (10 weeks pregnant)

How can all of this be happening? It doesn’t seem real and I don’t know what to feel. You are measuring 6 weeks 3 days and I am 9 weeks 6 days to their calculations, 10 weeks, 3 days to me.

We had dreams and plans of Pheonyx being your big brother and of what your sweet, chubby face would look like. Counting down the days (5 weeks!) left until the ultrasound where we could catch a glimpse of you and hopefully find out if you are a boy or a girl. Your sisters are excited to meet you! Birthday due date twin to Autumn and another present for Gaga.

I didn’t get to become to excited over you or see your face or feel you kick inside of me. I didn’t get to hold you and go through labor with you. I didn’t get to pick out a blankie for you and a stuffie for you to grow up with. All of these things I am to grieve now somehow, but I don’t know what to feel and how to react.

One moment I feel acceptance, like maybe it wasn’t the right timing and that God has a higher purpose in this. And another, I am so confused because the stars aligned for you! I wanted to be the best Mommy that I could be for you. I ate healthy and balanced and walked and did yoga. I cleared spaces in my psyche and prepared for you spiritually to be my baby.

But I know that nothing is without purpose and you have already changed me forever and the ones near you. Here I am, writing again after a long time but I knew this morning that I had to do it because I want my private innermost thoughts to be documented before I have to lose you from inside of me. I want to connect with you longer and learn what you have to teach me and never forget it.

You have made me brave! Five children is crazy to most, but I went and became your mother, regardless of what others may think. Because I love(d) you and knew you before you came to me. I knew you would come to me. Even if I never get to watch you grow and change, physically, you were and are my fifth baby and you will hold that title forever, even if no one else knows it.

You brought me closer to some strong and brave women! These women have been through tough times too and suffered losses and they have always been heroes in my eyes. Strong women to look up to and who I knew had a heart and would be there with me in any time of need such as this. They are helpful, compassionate and kind-hearted and I can only hope that I can be that strong, kind-hearted, compassionate woman in another woman’s life yet to come.

Your sisters and brother consider you to be their sibling! We watched you grow on the Ovia app, checking your development and reacting over the cute cartoon photos every week. Comparing your size to fruits and calling you “Little Dino”. Marvelling at the heart and all body systems coming together in such a short time. You are a miracle and your siblings have love for you like you wouldn’t believe. Tears were shed over concerns of losing you, dreams were dashed and hearts broken. Their first real heartbreak over you. I held back my tears to be brave for them in the moment of explaining what was going on. I wondered over telling them so early because they had such a connection to you, but I wanted them to know you even if you were just a little “Bub”.

I was always conscious of the fact that we may not have a lot of time together and in a sense, I can accept it but of course I wish to have you earth-side. If that is not God’s will than I will accept it and I can only pray that he gives me the strength to labor you and bring you earth-side, peacefully. I still want to see you, at the very least in an ultrasound picture, and I pray I get that memory of you at least.

Just 3 days ago we announced your existence to friends and family and I was afraid that you might not make it because it was an earlier announcement. I was conscious that things like this could happen, but when I made that decision to share it was because I wanted you to be known and remembered. I decided that if I were to lose you, at least others would have known that you were my baby.

I know that they say that this is a common thing to happen but that doesn’t take away the emotions. There are things I will always remember about you. My pregnancy cravings of vegetables and salty things but mostly only health foods. Barley and vegetable soup, celery and dip, Toppable crackers, V8 juice. My typical sweet tooth was non-existent with you except the two times I craved chocolate in brownie form and chocolate cake (both homemade). I had the nausea and I still do and that is why I wonder if this is not yet the end. I can’t imagine you having a hard life with medical complications if you are still alive and only a small baby, not growing as you should. But if it came down to having to decide whether you live or not, I don’t want to have to do that! I never thought I could be someone who could but I know watching you pass would kill me and this already has taken a part of my soul, just knowing the results and questioning all of these things.

I will continue to write to you and let these words emerge from my soul. You have brought me back to this, candid writing. There may be many women who would never share their personal thoughts, but if you and I can help someone else in someway to grieve, then we will.

I love you and I’ve told you that many times before and I know that you know it. We will do everything that we can to remember you and the significant dates in your life.

2020

January 7^th – missed period (cycles of 21-25 days)

October 10^th – Your estimated due date based on menstrual cycle

February 1^st – missed period. Waited a few days to not get hopes up too high, too soon.

February 6^th – Thursday trip to Winnipeg with Kesa, bought a two pack of First Response pregnancy tests and a digital test. Took the test as soon as I got home and it said YES! Took the other one the next day and there were two pink lines. Shared with Grandma over the phone that evening. Shared with Craig and Kesa at home and texted Autumn a picture of test at school.

March 14^th – Shared pregnancy news on Facebook, with a picture of Pheonyx in his big brother shirt and a cupcake. Everyone so excited for you and for us! There was and is so much love for you already. Heart emoji’s all around!

March 15^th – Woke up to brown bleeding, was concerned but still hopeful that it was just normal. Brown spotting continued throughout the day and into the evening but not too too much.

March 16^th – Talked to midwife on the phone and we decided to do an HCG test in Arborg today, Monday and again Wednesday to check up on you. Red spotting around 3 in the afternoon. A call to the Midwife and a trip to Selkirk ER where Daddy and I waited for 5 hours to see a doctor. Only 2.5 hours before we got your ultrasound though because I asked at the desk and a miracle happened where they ordered the ultrasound that night without having seen me. It was a busy, busy night and a scary time to be in the hospital. I never got to see you on the screen but I will get a picture of you. Talked with Grandma, Tina, Holly, and Alicia.

And now I wait. Another ultrasound is ordered for a week from now to see if you are growing at all. I still feel nauseous and I don’t know if these symptoms are all in my head, but you are still inside of me and we are still connected. I think about you constantly. If you can believe it, even more that I did before when I had all of the dreams of your life with us here. I still think that maybe, somehow, you are not dead and that there is something else happening because you haven’t left my body yet and if you died three weeks ago, I wonder why you and I are still together.

I love you and I will document what happens in the coming days because writing is healing and we are connected and your life, no matter how short, has meaning and impact in this world.