Change

Being at home everyday with my girls, we have set quite a rhythm to our day. To be honest, sometimes life can seem a little monotonous at times. I like having a rhythm and raising them with a routine makes life so much easier, but sometimes time seems to be moving so slowly and nothing at all seems to be changing. Sometimes I even feel as though I am living the same day everyday over and over again.

(Pictures of the girls taken this month, October 2012)

Often times I browse through old pictures of the girls and that is when I realize how much things have really changed. When I look back to even a month ago, a lot has changed. The girls have obviously grown and changed on the outside, but not only has an outer change occurred, but many inner ones too. Things that they used to say, ways that they used to behave (like Kesa and her food battles) – things are different now.

(Pictures of the girls from one year ago today)

I was thinking about this as I was watching Serafina walking. She only just started walking on her own 6 days ago and now that she has, she will always be walking. The wondering and waiting for her to reach this milestone has passed. She has gone through a change.

I am also always working on myself and learning, growing and changing each day, even if I can’t feel it happening. When I look back to old writing of mine or old blog posts, I can remember how I felt and who I was then and in some ways, I am drastically different from then (it is even embarrassing to me to read some of my older posts sometimes). I no longer have many of the fears and insecurities that I used to have and I have come to love and accept who I am a whole lot more, especially since Serafina has been born and I have let go of so many things, mainly my struggle with perfectionism in many different areas of my life.

Serafina has taught me to slow down, be present and to know that my job at home and as a mother is the most important thing right now. There were a lot of things that I had to let go of, some willingly and some I fought to hold onto, making much more stress and struggle for myself. I was literally forced to slow down and relax as I had to sit and nurse her when I was used to getting things done, doing things and going places. For a while I thought that I would never have any bit of freedom again.

I have learned so many things from my girls throughout my life as a mom and each day they mold me into a better person by teaching me to be more patient, loving, kind and selfless. Anything that I have lost from becoming a mother was never worth having in the first place. The person I was before I became a mom was nobody compared to who I am today.

Today I am noticing the changes. I hold much gratitude and reverence today, even though it may seem like any other day. In truth it is not. In truth, there will never again be today. The way that I am today, the thoughts that I am having now, will change. The way that my girls are today will be different tomorrow, even if it only a slight difference. Change is inevitable. Change is not meant to be feared or avoided. It can’t even be forced. It is to unfold naturally and in its time. People will come and go. Situations and feelings are impermanent. Life itself is also impermanent.