There are so many things that I would like to say. So much that I would like to bring to this world, but I hold back. Fear has still got a tight hold on me, as I believe it has on many of us (although we like to deny it). I see so many people living such phony lives and I wonder how they seem to convince themselves that they are happy. I hate to pass these judgements, but I just cannot understand it. How can unconsciousness feel right within? How can someone go on so long with no questions? No change? No growth? Pretending to be perfectly content as they are forever more.

I feel like an outcast. Crazy to have such thoughts and aspirations. Still, I cannot believe that I am the only one.

My deepest thoughts and feelings I hold back in this space of mine, afraid of judgement and separateness. I long for connection so badly that I too fall victim to denying my true-self. Pretending to be something I am not at best and holding back my light from the world at worst. Am I the only one to feel and recognize this war within?

Tonight I could not hold it back any longer and just had to write. My kids are asleep and I needed to clear my head. I realize that there is a lot within myself to share and tonight I am letting some of that fear go and sharing a piece of my writings, my true-self. Real thought and real feeling from a real person.

We are all in it. Ego-driven reality. Searching, yearning, striving. Looking for the piece that we believe we are missing. The key to happiness. The thing.

No one is exempt. Even the spiritual seekers are driven by their egos to find peace and freedom. Ceaseless searching.

Deluded. Deceived. Denying the ego. Playing mind games. Labeling good and bad. Right and wrong. Seeing black and white. Never owning the entirety of their being. Ego still stealing reality.

I see it everywhere. I see it in everyone. It is sneaky. It has us all. We are it. It is us. We cannot deny it. Cannot run from it. Cannot hide. Can pretend no longer. It is who we are. To deny it is to deny self. To try to escape is to fall prey to pride and delusion. Believing for something better. The thing.

Denial fuels separateness and elitism. As a fan fuels the flame. We must be watchful. To hold the self in its entirety and to own, love and embrace it all without judgement, fear or aversion. To be.

We are all in it. Ego-driven reality. Wearing masks. Looking to each other. Losing ourselves. The blind leading the blind in an illuminated world. A strange paradox. We cannot see it. Distracted by our searching. Lost in thoughts and frivolous pursuits.

How long will it go on? How long until we awaken?

I feel like life is so complex, such a deep thing. Even these words I write cannot express my deepest thought. I know that it is much more safe to stay in my comfort zone as most people do and never share my truest self. So many people are so good at that. Though I wonder if maybe there are enough people playing that game already. There seems to be no acceptance for anything else in this world. No room for real thought or feeling. Should I stay content to deny this aspect of myself or let it speak?

There is so much that I would like to say.