We are all prisoners of our minds. Everything in our reality is made up of our thoughts.
Sometimes I think that I don’t need yoga or that it doesn’t help anything. I had that thought this morning as my mind was a mess and I was full of tension and anxiety, but a deeper part of me made me do it. Somehow I knew that it would help.
As soon as I began I could hear all the thoughts running rampant in my mind and realized how much I need my yoga practice. To think anything otherwise would be completely foolish. As I follow the breath and begin to separate myself from all the chaos in my mind, I see that I am not any of my thoughts. Not the thoughts that tell me “I can’t” or “This is too hard.” Not the negative or defeating thoughts. I keep on breathing and I realize I am not the prideful, positive ones either. “You are doing so good, you are going to be in such great shape.” I am none of these thoughts, yet these thoughts control my life, every minute of every day and I am unconscious to most of them. Or so it would seem.
I know deep down that there is something greater inside, leading me and guiding me. As I keep breathing I become the watcher. I find that deeper part of my being, my true nature or self that is not affected by any thought. The breath becomes steady as I give up control. My body relaxes deeply into each pose. Thoughts no longer hold any power. There is no fear, no anxiety, no craving, aversion or delusion. The mind grasps for something, anything, but to no avail. There is only a deep unwavering inner peace and joy. There is nothing to add and nothing that can take away from my true self, my true nature, which knows nothing of doubt, defeat or pride.
I am so insignificant, so small in this whole universe. I don’t even understand my own mind, how can I understand anything higher? Sometimes I wonder if there is ever a way to actually become the watcher of my thoughts outside of yoga or meditation practice. I know it is possible, but very difficult. I wonder how I could ever keep the watcher alive through all of my life. When the baby is crying in the stroller on a walk and I am miles from home or someone spills their cereal all over the freshly mopped floor. Can I be in that state of inner peace and joy and calm my anxious mind in my every day life situations? Can I be conscious of my breath and the fact that I am always being breathed? That each breath gives me life and is the only thing sustaining me until I breathe my last?
All I know is that I do not want to be a prisoner of my mind. I want to know and understand my mind so that I can delve into the deeper mysteries of the universe. I want to be the watcher of my thoughts. Not lead by any of them but finally free. Finally able to live in that inner peace and joy every minute of every day.
My life is my practice. My life is my teacher. Day by day, breath by breath I am becoming more conscious of who I truly am. And for that I am immensely grateful.
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