Deception is so sneaky. So is pride. So is deceiving ourselves into thinking that we are not full of pride.
This is what I have been learning.
I have been having an internal war with myself
all of this past week forever. Me being a perfectionist/control freak about so many things, I have learned so much and this blessing in disguise has taught me so many things and opened me up to so much wisdom over the past 3 years. I have seen both the light and the dark sides of myself, although I haven’t made peace with it all.
Most of the time I would say that I am driven by fear and I worry about every single thing under the sun. All the time. I worry about being a good mom and person all the time. I always want to do the best thing or the right thing in any situation. I am in constant fear of doing bad or wrong that often I am paralyzed by it and have major difficulty making any decisions. I always weigh the pros and cons of everything and constantly pass judgement on myself and admitingly on others as well. I do this in pretty much all areas of my life.
Tonight on our evening walk, talking with my husband I finally had to admit all of these things to myself . I am not really as great a person I thought that I was. Lately, I have really just been puffed full of pride and have been in complete denial of it. I have fallen into a subtle trap of pride and selfishness.
I always do my best to live unselfishly. I desire to live my life doing the least harm, I am vegan and environmentally minded, I like to keep an open mind spiritually and I keep my kids home with me. From an outside perspective, my life would look pretty unselfish. Tonight I had to admit to myself how a lot of what motivates me to do these things is my own pride.
I realized how much I judge myself and others and compare my life to them (something the perfectionist in me loves to do) . Either I come up as better or worse, both of which do not feel right with my soul. It all just really got me thinking about how subtle the traps of pride and selfishness are. Even when we think that we are being unselfish and giving of ourselves, a lot of what motivates us is still selfishness.
It never started out this way for me. My motives used to be more pure. I used to know myself better and could clearly hear the voice of my true self. Lately everything seems muddled and I feel so confused. It used to be so easy to be conscious when I started out my journey, but I see now how much I have lost touch with my inner truth and how I have been allowing myself to be swayed by what other people say or do. Never mind being a mom on top of trying to stay conscious, some days it just seems impossible. Still, I strive to know my self and my own mind because I believe that is the only real true knowledge that one can obtain in life.
I am not saying that doing any of these good things are now bad or wrong just because of my motives as of late, but it has really got me thinking about them and the feelings that they bring about in the end results of my actions. A lot of the time the war within me is totally fear-fueled. I believe a lot of people live this way, whether they are conscious of it or not. We have so much fear deep down inside of us. We are afraid of obvious things, like rejection or being judged, but I have found that inside of myself are much deeper fears like a fear of love, acceptance or intimacy. I still fear being liked or having anyone get too close to me because as much as I hate to admit it, I still do not really like myself or believe that I am truly worthy of love. I also still have a problem with sabotaging my success and happiness.
I don’t know what to do with all of these thoughts. In fact I think too much all the time, but rarely ever process or conclude anything. Most of the time I feel as though I am living pretty mindlessly, uptight and asleep (of course that is me once again judging myself). I am relieved however that I took some time this evening to reflect on some of these internal struggles and lightened the load on my spirit. I feel more relaxed already just recognizing some of these fears. And as I mentioned before, I wish that I had more time to write and to write what is in my heart and on my mind.
I wish to find out more about what motivates me to do what I do and I agree with what Jack Johnson says in one of his songs, It’s not what you look like when you’re doing what you’re doing. It’s what you’re doing when you’re doing what you look like you’re doing. I wish my motives to be more pure and to be less fear-driven. I wish to be more conscious of the traps of pride and selfishness.
Tonight I am thankful for another life lesson that has brought me closer to the light and opened my eyes to the darkness within myself. I hope that in sharing these thoughts that someone else can relate or benefit. I really do believe that we are all on the same journey.