Life can be so hard sometimes. I find myself in that place where I think we all dwell from time to time in our day or in our life where everything seems dark and difficult and we wonder where the light went and if we will ever see it again. It happens to me a lot in life, I consider those times the times of growth and learning I have come to recognize them as such and they no longer really bring me down. When the darkness creeps in and I am feeling low energy, tired, can’t sleep, depressing thoughts, fear, anxiety and worry, I know that I am in one of those times. I know that there is a lesson for me to be learned and that I am going to come out of it stronger and wiser and closer to the light on the other side of that darkness. I used to HATE these times. I used to think anything negative couldn’t possibly be good, especially when I first began my spiritual walk. Now I am no longer afraid of these times, but I know that they are necessary in life. They are the times when we are really being awakened to truth and to what is really important. It is in these times we draw closer to God, to our true self, to source and gain a deeper understanding and learn the really meaning of faith and surrender.
It has of course been a very difficult time for me with Serafina awaiting her autism diagnosis. I ran from this for so long because of how hard I knew life was going to be and how much I really blamed (and still blame) myself for her being the way she was (is). I never wanted to admit that I did wrong or something was wrong with her. It is obvious to all other eyes that she is not “normal” and that is something I didn’t want to admit to myself. For a long time famliy had expressed their concerns, but to Craig and I, she was just herself. She was our darling angel. We knew that she was (and is) definitely different from other children her age and from her sisters, but we were never concerned. Now that there is that label, that diagnosis lingering around, I have, in a way felt relived to know what was different about her, but also have heaped on a whole bunch of guilt, worry and anxiety about the future and about how I am going to be able to parent an autistic child and also homeschool my girls. I feel at times very sorry for myself too, which is very egotistical of me, because I know that it is not going to be easy, and it is not at all easy now. My thoughts get on this track and soon enough I am in a pretty dark place. I feel bad and then I feel bad for feeling bad and it gets all so very ugly.
What I have been learning through it all is to really stand up for what I believe in. I have blogged so much about my faith and spirituality and now in my life it is as though I am really being asked if I truly believe all that I have always claimed to. Does everything really happen for a reason? Are we truly never given more than we can handle? Is everyone we meet our mirror? Can we really learn lessons from everyone and every situation? Is life really always teaching us and molding us into higher, more loving beings? It is as though all of these things I have believed and put out there for so long are really putting me through a test. I am learning to become more confident in what I believe and drawing closer daily to giving birth to my spiritual self. Still, sometimes I do have that fear of really and truly believing. I want to be brave and strong and bold and trust completely in the light, but I still fear it. I used to think it was others who I feared, judgment from others, but I know that the judgment that I think comes from others, really all the time is only my own, since I do truly believe that everyone we meet in life reflects a part of who we are back to us. If someone is in our lives who questions something about us, it is really reflecting a part of ourselves who is not yet confident in that area that we claim to be. It is a dark spot in ourselves that we need to let the light shine upon.
It has been an interesting last few months for me. In the beginning of really facing my reality and responsibilities, I was really frightened. I felt overwhelmed all winter long with the homeschooling and with running away from facing my issues with Serafina. I didn’t know how to face it. I wondered so many things. What happened to her? What did I do? Was it the vegan diet? Did I not play with her enough? Could it have to do with vaccinations? Thoughts would swirl in my head over and over and I lost a lot of sleep and a lot of weight. I just didn’t want to really eat anything or cook or clean. I feel into a really dark place and didn’t know how to deal with everything. I wound up staying a few nights away from home because I felt so guilty as a mother. I didn’t even really want my kids to have me for a mother anymore. I really didn’t know what to do.
While I was away, I realized that I was still not happy. I brought my journal with me and began to write for the first time in a long time (since I had really stopped blogging and processing all winter). I had stopped doing everything that had once brought me joy and was like a magnet for dark spiritual beings to brood in my mind and bring me down. I lay in the bed and took my pen to the paper and here is what I wrote, Here I am, where I wanted to be, and still I am sad because I am here with me and I realize that I am the only one who can help me. The higher self, the power is within me, but I run because I am afraid to really feel it and live it. It seems that everyone just wants their quick fix. They want their salvation and their pension. I want to be free.
I think I went through my darkest time in life. I felt really as if I was in hell, hanging on to life by only a thin thread because I was at such a low weight and had lost sleep for months, only getting 5 hours a night at the most. Even Craig was worried that I might at any moment fade away. I never knew how close I was, until one morning I realized that no one is going to help me. No one can make me want to live and be there for my girls and change my perspective, but me. No one could give me the strength to really stand firm in my beliefs, but me. The angels and God and all of divinity would never impose on my free will and so it would have to be up to me to get my life back on track and decide to live and reinvent myself for them. I could pray all I wanted to, but still it would have to be me who took steps to taking care of myself again, facing these deep hidden fears and past issues that were still controlling my life, and reinvent myself anew. It was a real time of re-birthing my spiritual self and it was painful. Even today, I am not quite there, but I think that in writing this and reflecting on these lessons that I have been running from, I am getting closer to becoming that new me that wants to be born. All the while that there was that pain, confusion and darkness, there was also the brightest light, hope, love and positive energy waiting for me to grasp it. I was never truly alone and through this dark period of life, I have gained a new sense of security in my spirituality. A new definition of faith and of hope and of love.
I am learning to not be afraid of being me and of writing what is in my heart. As many of you who have been reading for a long time know, this is something that I have struggled with forever. I have always wanted/needed others approval to be myself or wanted to please others, or write and be what I though that others wanted me to. This is something that has been ingrained in me since I was a little girl (I am sure we all have it to some degree because it also permeates our society’s way of thinking). I would even do this at the expense of losing my true self when I was younger, but have come a long way over the years and I have writing to thank for that. It truly helps me to reflect and I believe that it is a gift that I have been given and also running away from in fear of what others will think (which I realize now is just fear of what I think and truly feel). I feel that my writing is something that I have seen help many people. I know that I have been helped by reading others writing and reflecting too, so I know that there is a lot of positive power in it. Still, it is of course hard to face things within ourselves and especially to share it with the world, but I know I have to do it. I truly believe that these lessons I have been given over the past 9 months can and will inspire other women, mothers and people treading this spiritual path consciously as well. Repressing my gift for writing and reflecting and sharing with the world really is what made me fall so deeply into darkness. I think that if I had been writing all the while I was going through these times, it might have been a lot easier to see the lessons and to keep the faith, than having neglected my gift. Having said that though, I know that there was a purpose for losing that for a while, so that I could grow stronger in my own self-reflection and let go of thinking of my writing as something that needs to be affirmed by others, which I had still for a long time needed as I was not yet strong and confident enough in who I was and who I wanted to be.
I think life is about constant rebirth, constant growth spiritually. I do not believe that we arrive and are instantly transformed, but that it is a journey and a process and that it takes time. We are human and each day we are learning and growing and becoming more perfected. We are like caterpillars in a cocoon and are all slowly dying to self, (either choosing the path consciously or unconsciously), to exchange our slow, creeping caterpillar legs for wings and be transformed into butterflies. I think that everyday this happens on a small scale too. We are dying to self daily, even hourly. We are changing and life is changing all the time. We are evolving. All of humanity is together in this evolution, even though we have different lives and beliefs or forms of spirituality. We need each other. We cannot isolate ourselves from the world. We need affirmation too. We need friends. We need support. We need intimacy. We need time for our spirituality and self-reflection and we need to take care of ourselves as physical beings as well with healthy amounts of sleep, healthy eating habits, exercise and time outside in nature daily. The balance between all of these things is what I am always aiming for and it is never easy! I think that is part of it all though, the fact that it is not easy makes it wonderful. It is what keeps us striving and seeking and trying. It is a part of the growing and the learning that we need to do here on earth.
So for today during my yoga practice, I was thinking about perspective and thought that since it is up to me to change my perspective I am going to start now! I decided to share this on my blog today because I hope that in sharing some of these things with you all, I really hope to speak to your spirit and help some of you out there reading who can relate to anything I have written and who feel connected to me through my writings. We are connected for a reason, so here it goes…
~ Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with all of my responsibilities and like I just can’t do it all, but then I know that I am not alone and that I am stronger than I know and think I am.
~ Sometimes I wish I had more time by myself and for me, but then I am thankful that I get to do yoga every morning, even if my kids are around and that they sit quietly and let me stretch.
~ Sometimes I get sad that our food is so poor in nutrition, that so many crops are GMO, and that we are not eating 100% vegan all the time, but then I am thankful that I have food to nourish me and I trust that it will give me what I need.
~ Sometimes I get afraid of being myself, but I realize that I have nothing to be afraid of but fear itself and it is something that I create in my own mind.
~ Sometimes I think I am the crappiest mom in the world and believe that I am really doing everything wrong and am failing them in every way, but then I feel little arms around my neck or waist, or see their beautiful drawings of them with their mom and I know that I am giving my best. I know that even though I will make mistakes and am not perfect, I am their mother for a reason and that they truly love me, even through all of my perceived imperfections.
~ Sometimes I wonder if I should be homeschooling and if I am making mistakes with my children or will be unable to teach them all they need to learn for life, but then I hear Kesa singing “Love is all you came here for not anything less, need I say more” or some lyrics to another song that we play around the kids and I realize that they are learning lessons deeper than workbooks can ever teach and this life that we have together is filled with beautiful lessons that we share together.
~ Sometimes I feel fat and out of shape (hey ladies?), but then I am happy that I have a body that is healthy and strong. I am thankful to have eyes to see, ears to hear, legs to walk and hands to create with.
~ Sometimes I wish I had more time with my husband, but then I am thankful for our few moments that we do have alone together and that we have a deep intimacy that is beyond the merely physical/sexual.
~ Sometimes I get so upset that my house gets so messy, even after I clean it and clean it, but then I remember that my children are making memories and we are living life and soon they will be grown up and gone and I will sit here alone in my clean house, wishing that it were a mess again.
~ Sometimes I worry that my children won’t grow up into what I want and plan them to be, or get upset when my plans don’t turn out for what I want to do with them for the day, but then I trust that divinity has a higher reason for everything and it is better than anything I could imagine.
~ Sometimes I get mad about my past and feel resentment or unforgivenesses toward people or situations, but then I see the life that I have now and realize that everything has happened for a reason and brought me to where I am today and I am grateful for everyone and everything that has been in my life, is in my life and those who are to come.
~ Sometimes I get upset that I don’t know everything and feel so small in the universe (the more I learn, the less I know), but then I am thankful that I have intellect and comprehension and so much spiritual information at my fingertips. I am thankful for the journey of growth and self-discovery.
~ Sometimes I get upset that I am not where I want to be, but then I look back and thank God that I am not where I used to be.
I hope that this post has inspired someone today. I am also hoping to become more confident in my writings and my true self and to find/make more time for writing again.
Whatever you feel is your gift, don’t run from it and if you feel like you are in a dark place right now, know that when there is the greatest darkness, the light is also shining the brightest. All the light, hope, positivity and love is there for you and you are not alone. These moments are really just a wake up call, forcing us to change our perspective, open our spiritual eyes and seek the light again. Our free will is never imposed upon, but we can always ask for help. Know that you are probably just going through a caterpillar phase and the transformation you are undergoing is totally worth the pain and fear. 🙂
Love & Light