Life truly does fly by in the blink of an eye. I get in these moods of melancholy sometimes just trying to stay awake to all of the changes in the kids and in everything. Everything is always in a state of transformation. It’s difficult when there are so many of us. Balance is more difficult to maintain now that I am so stretched, but it is my life and it was given to me for a reason.
There are so many things I want to get balanced again. So many things got off track since Pheonyx was born and also when we were sick so many times in the spring, but I have spent much time in meditation and contemplation, learning the lessons from everything and realize that there are many things that need changing to feel that peace of mind and peaceful, harmonious flow in the family once again.
One thing is our diet. After Pheonyx was born we resorted to take out and convenience foods way more often than I would have liked, but with Pheonyx, it was one thing after another with him health-wise, and not everything I have shared on the blog about. Let’s just say that every month there was some new issue to face and I got super stressed and exhausted over it.
This has by far been the most difficult baby-raising period of my life. I never had so much fear, stress, exhaustion, and anxiety with any of my other children. There have been peaceful moments, but they were not enough by any stretch. The stress, fear and exhaustion definitely seemed to outweigh the good things and any peaceful moments throughout his first year. And because of that, I feel like I missed so much.
And then there was the stress on our marriage. It has also been the hardest thing that we have ever faced together as a couple. Craig ended up going through some major things the beginning of 2017 and that left me feeling super alone and afraid. I felt that once he couldn’t handle things, emotionally, I was left on my own to navigate raising the four kids by myself. It was very hard physically and mentally and also very hard to not lose my love and connection to him through it all, the man who was supposed to be strong and there for me to help us all through.
Being me, I have refused to let the stress of life be for nothing. I was determined to learn through all of this, as with my higher self and spiritual perception I know that everything is to teach us and help us to learn and grow. We are given opportunities to rise higher and awaken, to step into a new way of being, and also to let go of the things that weigh us down. I feel like with each month, each week, and each day, I (and we all are) different people, evolving through our life’s circumstances, whether we choose to do that consciously or unconsciously, at a faster or slower pace. I feel that life is a great initiation and transformation process.
So, what did I learn?
I learned that I had forgotten my power and my beliefs. I let fear take hold of me every time I faced something with Pheonyx (and that’s probably also why there were so many things I had to face, because I wasn’t seeing that). I forgot to pray, but not only to pray, but to LET GO and trust. Not to pray and then worry a whole bunch and block the answer from coming to me.
I let the midwife scare me and the doctors scare me after he was born about everything, beginning with his weight not being what they wanted it to be. I really believe now looking back I had post traumatic stress since his birth when his cord broke and my water birth that was meant to be peaceful turned into a nightmare.
I fell back into fear-based thinking about what I should eat and do to help Pheonyx as well while I was breastfeeding. I thought about it all and judged myself WAY TOO much! I listened to the voice of others and lost my intuition.
I didn’t see my partner, my husband as also only human and forgive him for how he acted and reacted. I know I was sleep deprived for so long too and I feel like him losing it made me also kinda lose it (and by “it”, I mean our loving perspective, our gratitude, and our peace that we used to always have as our foundation in our family). We let the events of life, (our lessons) overtake us.
This summer we completely fell apart as a family. We were over. We had nothing left at all.
Then a shift and awakening happened for us. I really cannot explain this, except to say that we let both were set to face our separation and we had let go of all that we had together. We came to a place of acceptance of that. Defeat. Surrender. We were going our separate ways. And we felt good about it.
But then I feel there was something that came out of the ashes of it. There was a new spark that glowed underneath the grey rubbish.
We had drifted apart, so far apart this summer. We didn’t know each other anymore. We were strangers to each other. We were co-parents and that was all.
He had found a new house and was ready to go but our perspective began to shift from that of ourselves and our pain, to that of our family. Our children. We remembered that there was something that we used to have. Something that made our life beautiful and peaceful and so very lovable and enjoyable. It was our connection to our higher selves and our greater purpose. It wasn’t what we thought and felt, it was deeper. It was being. It was enjoying. It was being grateful and spiritually being awake to our blessings.
When we forgot it, we lost it. I believe this in the truest sense. We turned our back on the source of that love that we had flowing for our family. And in doing so, we lost it.
This had been starting since Serafina became difficult to handle with her autism, around age 3. Life just got harder, and harder, and harder. We sank under the weight of it all, just trying to stay afloat. We were now adrift in a huge storm of madness and chaos as our whole family structure was lost. We were torn, one from another, due to our inability to see the many blessings among the trials. We could not stay afloat.
Now where are we?
We are left in the ashes, searching through the rubble for the lessons here. The one spark that remains, a glowing ember. Do we pick it up and try and start a new fire? That question cannot even be answered yet. The death of it all is still too raw and real and painful in memory. The regret, guilt and sadness is still too fresh to think to have anything new.
Right now we learn what it was we lost and why we lost it. If we can save anything between each other is yet to be seen. But what we do have to save is ourselves. We cannot save each other. We each have to learn personally for each of us what happened and what our lessons as individuals are in all of this, the past 3 years.
Serafina is our daughter. She is difficult to take care of and yes, it is very stressful. But is this something that we can’t handle? Is she not a blessing? Aren’t they all? I know so!
I named Pheonyx his name for a reason. With each child I have, I set to choose a name that has a deep meaning. For me, it was about, “rising above the ashes.”
I chose this name because of everything that I had been through my whole life and because of my spiritual outlook. I knew that when I carried him in my womb he would be the child that helped me to transform completely. It’s something that I just knew deep down inside. The name Pheonyx came to me and when I looked up the meaning, I knew that I loved it.
When I chose the name, I would have never known that all of this was to happen and that we would be where we are today. I know that all of this is a beautiful thing and an answered prayer. We are being transformed through our life and our children.
Where the next months will lead is still uncertain. What I want to do more these days is get my life back on track and revive myself, my true self.
I’ve blogged about it a lot in the past, how we lose ourselves from time to time. I know I have again, but I am not going to live in guilt for letting others dictate to me how my life should be lived and try and scare me with their fear-based mind sets.
I know what is right for me in my heart and what makes me feel at peace. For me, that is my yoga, meditation, reading, walking outside every day, spending time with my kids each individually as often as I can, keeping a clean home, a rhythm and routine, homeschooling, and buying and making real food. Living as naturally and as close to mother earth is what I feel is best.
The balancing act had gotten difficult postpartum and I feel like I failed as a wife and mother in so many ways since my husband had to go through such a difficult time. I blamed myself.
Now I am trying to get back on track and in touch with my truth. Mainly, for me, that is living without fear of judgement from others about the way I choose to do things, with the homeschooling, organic foods, vegan/vegetarian recipes, and my spiritual outlook on life. I may be a huge mess of confusion to some, but I make sense to me. Living any other way, untrue to myself, has only ever brought me sorrow.
The question now is, am I ready to receive what I have wanted for so long– and even manifested? Am I ready to rise above the ashes?
As scary as it sounds and as uncertain as it seems, I feel ready.
I know that there is an even greater purpose for me outside of all of this. These times of growth are not for me alone and the lessons I have learned, the treasures in the trials, I want to share through my writing and in my recipes or whatever new creative endeavours I pursue.
I feel a new creativity stirring within my spirit and I know that as I move into a place of full acceptance of the past and surrender to the future, wearing my battle scars with pride, my beauty will shine and will inspire others.
And that is what I believe that I am here to do.
Love & Light!