When We’re Lost

How do we deal with aging? With sickness and facing the fact that one day we will die? That we will experience death many times through life as we lose what we’ve known or even people we’ve known? Sometimes we even lose ourselves.

Life goes by. Days, weeks, hours, months, years, then soon decades fly by and we face our last leg of the race of our lives.

I’ve been feeling it as I get older. My life has been different than how “normal” people would have grown up since I had Autumn young and got married young and had more kids. My life has been kids. Raising them, nurturing them, providing for them all their comforts and taking care of myself for them.

This role I’ve played as a wife too. And I’ve come to face something within myself over the past few years. That I want more.

That may sound bad or wrong and I ran from it for so long but it is the truth within my soul. I have given so much of myself and my identity away to that role that I lost myself. I never even have ever known myself outside of that role really since I was a child and then a mother.

I don’t hate that fact, I don’t regret or resent anything. I just realized that there is this person I live with every day that is changing and growing and learning and I don’t really even know her.

I spent time working on myself and discovering who I was in my 20 ‘s a lot. Adding Serafina to our family became a challenge and stress, moreso for Craig and from there the stress became too much, especially after her diagnosis of autism and I lost myself, my most sacred possession, just like that, veiled from my sight and knowledge.

I let her go because I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought that in order to be the best mother I could be I had to forget about myself and focus only on her and helping her and being there for the other kids.

When people talk about the self, especially in certain religions, they think it’s bad and selfish and that all you need is God or Jesus or some other diety. What I am talking about when I talk about my sacred self is that spiritual, eternal self that is a part of that source. It is not selfish at all or bad or wrong. It is what knows truth and is wired into truth and knowledge. It is wired into faith and hope and optimism. It is light and love and peace. That is what I feel like I lost.

I’ve been pondering over these scenarios of the past in my head for far too long now and I came to a realization today in peaceful contemplation that when we feel lost or no longer tapped into our source is when really it is quite opposite at times.

Perhaps we’ve only been confused. Perhaps we were really only living in delusion that we were tapped in and in having ourselves lose our way and be uncertain, fearful, even depressed or anxious is when we are carried the most and really so tapped into source. It’s our egos that we lose and that is why those moods come up. We’re afraid because we’re not in control.  We break and we break open to the divine and it leads us, holds us, and guides us because were it to be us and if we were to be conscious in those moments we would have no clue what to do, how to handle things, or who to be.

This I have experienced and am finally after many years beginning to understand on a deeper level. Truth and the purpose behind things is often veiled from us when we aren’t ready to know it and see it. Our level of comprehension is way too underdeveloped at times for the greater lessons to be learned.

I struggled with that too, waiting and waiting for some insight but I was still just too unready to know or to face knowing that this was not a loss or a curse and that the feelings I was having were really showing me that I was more surrounded than ever before and carried, just not in my ego-self. I made a conscious choice to surrender and to awaken and learn the lessons through Serafina but I didn’t know then how everything would reveal itself to me.

I waited years for insight with questioning, just how do I reach my girl? How do I love her? How do we go on being a family when everything that I ever worked for, dreamed of and wished for changed so drastically to what was viewed by Craig and I as a burden and a hardship. A hinderence to the happy family life we wanted and married each other to have.

My daughter, a holy being of light sent to us in our most happy and beautiful peaceful family life, thought of as a hardship! Yes, she is difficult. Yes, it is the most challenging and terrifying thing I’ve ever had to deal with (and Craig too), but does she deserve the thought forms of negativity and egoity vibing around her?

I see her as a gift. She’s an ego-demolisher. She’s an angel. She forces us contantly to work at our attitude and go through difficulties, remaining grateful for life and what we do have. She requires constant supervison and care and it is a real sacrifice.

When hardships come like sickness, loss, death, we can feel like we’re being punished by a higher power or that we’ve lost touch with divinity. We ask ourselves, why did this have to happen to me?? But when we do this, we are in our ego. We are more off track. Perhaps the thing we deem “bad” or “wrong”, or just plain, “less-than-perfect” is the greatest blessing of all. It is the greatest light and teacher, and worthy of reverent awe not disdain.

We all face sickness. We all face losses, even repeated losses, and we all face death, endings of things or death of relationships or people in our lives. The real blessing is being able to look at those things with our ego aside and recognize their lessons and what they are showing us to learn and also what to let go of.

Sometimes we cling so tightly to what we want and how we want things to be we would kill ourselves or drive ourselves mental just to not have to surrender in our ego-self. We just don’t want to face the actual light that is being given to us in the situation because we thought that spiritual growth would be easy and light-weight and positive but it’s not. It will always be a challenge for us to choose to rise above, to open our eyes or to let go–a challenge indeed for our ego’s who don’t want to change or learn or lose their identity or security. In our ego we just want to be comfortable and right and happy all the time.

So, I’m still awakening to what I am to learn in this situation. I could write forever and a day about Serafina and all that she has brought to our lives but I would never be able to convey in writing the magnitude of depth of what she teaches me daily. Her presence alone is a teacher.

Today I just felt like writing to do some self-healing. I wanted to take what I have been intuiting and learning through spirit and reflect upon and share it.

Death, endings, loss, sickness, pain, hardship. How do you deal with them? Do you feel that they are bad or wrong or that in facing these along your path in life you are being punished or are somehow off track with source?

I challenge you to think opposite than your egoic mind would like to view things and instead, let that thinking go to really see and embrace the lessons and the true opportunity for growth in these times deemed undesirable. They are wholly perfect and very much a part of life!

Challenge the way you would normally want to think and perceive and make way for new thought patterns and perceptions to take root in your mind and in your soul.

We are never alone, no matter what we go through. And in times when we feel like we are really lost is when we will find ourselves and find whatever it is we were looking for and desiring coming to fruition on a far grander scale and in a far greater way than we could ever in our egoic minds have ever imagined.

Much Love and Light!



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