5 weeks postpartum. My house is not the way I’d like it to be. I don’t get to spend as much time with my kids as I’d like to. My meals are eaten in a very rushed state and hardly finished. I never get a second to enjoy a bath or a shower to myself. Rarely do I get to brush my hair. And if I do get to do any of these things it is in a rush as my baby is usually crying, wanting to be back in his mother’s arms.
This is the postpartum life. It can be very daunting, exhausting to say the least, and sometimes depressing (I wont lie), but I know that it won’t last forever.
As I try to nap for what seems like the hundredth time in the day and Pheonyx only stirs and wakes up again, I look down in my arms at my beautiful baby boy and tear up. I am so grateful for him and for everything in our life. Even though most times I am feeling stressed out and exhausted these days, there are also so many beautiful moments laced throughout the chaos.
I’m reminded in these times that this is life. Even though there are dark times it is never all dark and even in the brightest times there is always still some darkness. Life is never perfect. Nobody and nothing is ever perfect. This is life.
My children are amazing! Even though I feel like a failure as a mother so many times throughout the day Autumn comes up to me and hugs me and tells me, “It’s okay Mom. You’re doing the best job that you can and your job right now is to take care of the baby!” She is so wise and understanding. Kesa too. If I’m crying and they see me in my messy state she just shruggs her shoulders and says, “Nothing is wrong. We’re having a great time!” It’s me in my sleep-deprived state as a mother that I worry and see things as less than perfect. It’s me who feels guilty for not being and doing more.
They are so good at looking after their special little sister too. I wish so much that I had more time for her as well. There are so many things that Serafina needs to learn how to do and I feel like there’s not enough time in the day to even get around to doing half of what I’d like to. But I know that she is loved and that all my children are loved. We have this beautiful warm home to live in, our cupboards have food in them, our fridge is full, and at least our meals still get to be eaten together as a family, even if mine get cut short.
We don’t get outside as much as we’d like to anymore and we may not have enough time to actually spend together that I feel is enough to fill my emotional needs as a mother and nurturer, but everybody’s fine, everybody safe, everybody’s healthy, and everybody is loved, and that’s all that matters.
What I feel blessed about the most is having my wonderful husband who is doing such an amazing job at not only his own work day life, but also coming home and being a full-time father (and mother) to out three daughters. He’s so understanding about everything and when I am in those messy states, crying from being overtired and worrying, he is always there to remind me to relax and that my job right now is to take care of our son and let everything else go without needing to feel guilty.
He cleans the house, does laundry, makes sure that the girls get dressed and get enough to eat, runs to the store, and still finds time to be fun daddy as well, especially with his little Kesa. On top of all of this, he is also taking care of me physically and emotionally. It’s so touching to me to have a man like this in my life. I feel so blessed and I wonder what I did to deserve all of this.
Right now even though my body and my mind are not what I would have them be, I’m still able to lay here and focus my mind on all of the beauty that surrounds me. I’m thankful that I don’t fall into a postpartum depression and that I have such beautiful souls around me to uplift me and to remind me that really everything is ok, everything is exactly as it should be, and that my job right now is to take care of this little being who so dependent on me.
They know that it won’t last forever and they remind me of this. It makes me feel as though I’ve done something right to see such wisdom stream from my little girls. Like everything I’ve taught them, they are reminding me of now. It’s amazing to me how life works out that way and how Karma unfolds.
I felt like writing this post for my own reflection, but also for new mothers who may also stumble upon it to find encouragement and to remember to focus on all the great things in life and the impermanence of the newborn stage of having a child.
Being a mother is tough! Uplifting and encouraging one another mother to mother, or whatever other relationship we have to one another as human beings is the Cornerstone of life. To be loving and encouraging, to help others focus on the positive, it’s all we have.
I feel blessed to have wonderful souls in my life to do this for me and I hope that in taking time to write my blogs I may help somebody else out there as well.
Be well. Be healthy. Be Inspired. Be whole.
(And now for the 101st time I will try to rest.)
On a side note, I’ve found the feature to speak into a mic and record myself talking to write blogs! There’s no way I could find time to type all this! I’m grateful for this too! 🙂