I have been realizing lately that I blame others a lot for holding me back. There is a place inside of me that sometimes likes to be resentful, play the victim and who even likes to be pitied. Upon realizing this, I felt as though I really did not want to own that. I wanted to blame other people for the fact that I am sometimes like that too. I wanted to blame my upbringing, my past relationships, the fact that I have kids. Basically anyone or anything other than myself, but when I really thought about it and truly looked inside of myself to see who was holding me back, the answer that I found was me, me and me.

I feel as though there are so many things that I want to do. SO MANY! Big dreams that I have or even little self-care things or taking care of the home and the family. There is a lot to do in life and so many times I just feel as though I have to give up on some things to accomplish others. For example, if I want a clean house, I will have to give up time for myself that day.  If I want to go out for a walk, I might have to put aside the cleaning. I always feel flustered and don’t know what to do, I have such difficulty making decisions because I really wish that I could do it all. My really big dreams feel so impossible, so often times I don’t even bother to go there or do anything to work toward them. I waste quite a lot of time thinking or worrying  about things instead of actually getting anything accomplished.

For a long time now, I have been wanting to take better care of myself. I am always on the bottom of my to do list. I come after the kids, my husband, our home and even this blog. I have felt so unattractive and so unworthy for a long time now. I have always had low self-esteem, but after Serafina was born and I now have three kids around me 24/7 I feel like I have let myself and a lot of my dreams go. I barely get to lift a comb to my hair or get dressed. I feel like I have nothing that is my own and no hobby (other than this blog). No clothes that I feel comfortable in, nothing that is mine. Sometimes I feel pathetic. AND the worst part is that if I ever try to do anything for myself I feel guilty about it. If I even think about buying something for myself or doing something for myself, I feel bad. I feel like I should just be perfectly happy doing things for others and I should be OK with letting go of self-care and even letting go of my dreams. That it makes me a bad mother or wife to even think about doing something selfish.

One thing that I have been dreaming of doing for myself is running. I have talked about it A LOT and even wrote about it a million times in my journal. I planned to start running again after she was a few months old, but somehow I just feel guilty having that dream. I feel guilty for wanting to leave the kids for a while and admit that I wanted me time and for leaving Craig with the girls when he works all the time and is tired. I feel bad about it, but have also been feeling that if I don’t do something for myself, I will continue to feel empty inside and pretty soon I will have nothing to give. I give and give so much that I am exhausted most of the time and am often complaining about myself and my life. I look outside of myself so often for someone or something to pick me up and I forget that I have to take care of myself, love myself and that I am the only one that can ultimately make myself happy. It is not the job of anyone else to come and make me happy and if I keep waiting for that to happen, my whole life will slip by and I will never truly live.

Today I did it! I went for a run for the first time in YEARS!! I took the time for myself, to love myself, exercise my body and let myself feel good. It was not easy. Mostly, it was the deciding to do it that was the hardest. This morning I kept asking Craig if he was sure that it was OK and if he was sure that the kids would be fine without me and what if Serafina cried for me or someone needed me? I finally did a few stretches, got together a rockin’ awesome playlist of songs, laced up my shoes, turned up the volume and walked out the door. All the while my heart was pounding and I was super nervous to actually be doing something for myself and to be completely alone.

It was just me, myself and I on that road and I got to be alone with myself for what seems like forever. With Jack Johnson, Jason Mraz and Coldplay in my ears, I ran and ran and ran. I went for 4 1/2 miles and it took 56 minutes from start to finish. I ran the first two miles, walked for one and ran the rest of the way home. It felt so good to see what I was made of and push past all of these feelings of fear and guilt inside of myself. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and focused on taking that time to let go of worry and just love myself. I could feel my beautiful body moving and breathing and I felt such a sense of gratitude for the miracle that I am and the fact that I was alive. I felt good standing for myself and doing something that I loved and that made me happy, not for anyone else, but for myself.

So I ask you today, who is holding you back from doing what you love?

Who is standing in the way of your dreams?

The truth is, if we are looking for excuses, we will find them. If we are looking for someone else to blame for our unhappiness we will find them too. It is all too easy, but if you truly want to be happy, you have to realize that no matter what has happened to you, no matter where you are or where you want to go, you are the only one who is standing in your way. The past is the past, let it go. The future is uncertain and out of your control. All that we have is now. Are you going to waste it worrying or blaming others or are you going to stand for yourself and your dreams and live your life on purpose?

I wanted to end this post with a song that I ran to this morning.

“Speed Of Sound”

How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before I know what it feels like?
Where to, where do I go?
If you never try, then you’ll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?

Look up, I look up at night,
Planets are moving at the speed of light.
Climb up, up in the trees,
every chance that you get,
is a chance you seize.
How long am I gonna stand,
with my head stuck under the sand?
I’ll start before I can stop,
before I see things the right way up.

All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you’d understand.

Ideas that you’ll never find,
All the inventors could never design.
The buildings that you put up,
Japan and China all lit up.
The sign that I couldn’t read,
or a light that I couldn’t see,
some things you have to believe,
but others are puzzles, puzzling me.

All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you’d understand,
ah when you see it then you’ll understand.

All those signs, I knew what they meant.
Some things you can’t invent.
Some get made, and some get sent,
Ooh
Birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you’d understand,
ah, when you see it then you’ll understand.