Being Me

I have been thinking a lot these days about who I am and what to do with my blog. I sometimes wonder if I should start another blog to write my thoughts and express my spiritual stuff on and leave this one as family and recipes, but then I feel like this is my space. This is my life. This is me.

I am not just interested in food and coming up with recipes. I am interested in other things too. I am deeply interested in spirituality and meditation. I love to exercise and do yoga. I value my health. Not only my physical health, but mental and spiritual as well. I am a mother and a wife and I strive to find balance in all these areas.

Sometimes I am excited, sometimes solemn. Sometimes deep in thought or enveloped in fear. I worry (too much), I reflect, I am grateful at times or sad at others. I am a mother. I am a wife. I love my family and making memories with them. I love to eat. I regret eating too much. I judge myself (too much) and am an extreme perfectionist. I can be silly or serious. I love to dance with my girls to Ace Of Base, Hall and Oates or groovy 70’s music. Kesa loves ELO and Autumn is the little ballerina. I am a human and I experience and share all of me and my life here.

I actually love this space that I have created. I guess I just fear that maybe it is not ordinary or that I am weird. I worry that people might judge me for not being one way or may not be interested in all the different aspects of my person. I worry that maybe it isn’t really OK to be so candid. Like I should chose to focus on one thing and blog about just that or make my life out to seem a certain way.

Then I have to ask myself why I should even care. Why shouldn’t I just be me in my space? I am not here to be somebody else just to please them. I am here to be me and I am here to live a life that I love and be the best me I can be, especially for my girls. I don’t want to waste my time worrying about what somebody  ‘might’ be thinking.

I know that what I really need to do is worry less about trying to be something or somebody or about impressing people. For some reason it is just really hard for me. I have always been self-conscious, but being real is something that I value deeply. When I was younger, I used to look around at people and I could just tell that they were being fake. I always felt that I didn’t fit in because I tried for so long to be that way when inside I just wanted to be me. I kept myself in such a miserable bubble by trying to fit in and stop myself from thinking deeply, questioning my beliefs and knowing my mind because it seemed that others were just content never having such thoughts or aspirations.

Becoming vegan was a giant step for me to begin questioning what society would have me believe vs. following my heart and finding and living my truth. Now I seem to be on a never ending quest for more and expanding my consciousness every single day. I don’t believe that one can ever arrive or reach enlightenment. There is always more. This journey that I find myself on is magical really. Both fascinating and rewarding.

Since becoming vegan and beginning to follow my heart, I have also strived to be honest. I think being fake is hurtful and deceiving and a waste of existence really. I don’t want to pretend. Not only for the sake of others, but for myself. I want to be true to myself and see my life for all that it is and all that I am and embrace every little bit of it. The light and the dark. The good and the bad. The beautiful and the ugly. The ups and the downs. It is all me and it is all meant to exist. To take it to another level is to also begin to embrace others in this same way and truly see through the eyes of love.

Even sitting here now I wonder if I should be posting another post in one day, but why not? I feel like writing and I have this opportunity, so I am going to! For me because I need to process these things and this is the space I created for doing so. This is my journey. My collection of thoughts and memories that I have to look back on.

For those of you who do actually take the time to read all these ups and downs and who feel connected to me and enjoy my journey, I thank you. You really do mean a lot to me even if I don’t really know you or you have never left a comment, I consider you my friends. I believe that if you are here and are reading these words that we are in some way connected and meant to cross paths in this lifetime and so I am grateful to have you in my life.