I had a routine. It was lovely. It was blissful. It has changed. That’s what always happens. That is how I learn new lessons. Nothing stays the same. Nothing lasts forever, especially those moments of complete bliss or feelings of enlightenment. No way are those going to last!
I was getting up early to do yoga. There was this week where the girls were sleeping in until 9 or 10 and I was up before them. Alone. I was shocked at first when I would quickly sneak out of bed and quietly creep down our squeaky staircase to find myself alone. No baby crying at the sound of the change in my breathing from slow and sleepy to awake and anxious to get any moment to myself. Usually they just know. They have that sense. It is like “Hey! Mommy is trying to do something for herself and find some peace, better get right to work.”
I love that time when I catch it though, that chance to clear my head and set my intentions for the day. It is rare, but when it occurs it is lovely. It helps me to be a better mom. The thing is that when I get attached to having that, it always falls apart. It gets pulled out from under me and I learn that I can’t always have those moments. It keeps me humble and loving and selfless. All of those lovely things we want to be you know. If only they came easy and with no effort. Divinity won’t allow me to get sucked into my ego though. It always saves me before I get too proud or attached to anything.
This morning I thought that Serafina would for sure sleep in since she was up so late last night. I tried to sneak downstairs and find some time for me. I had plans! I wanted to write in my journal and read and get my yoga done before the day began. In my head it was all so wonderful. I was very quiet about having my breakfast and ate it quickly too, so that I could begin my sun salutations.
As my tea was boiling, I thought that I heard a little voice. Oh no! No way! My thoughts began to swirl as I imagined my morning plans crumble like a cookie in the hands of a toddler. Anxiously I walk over to the living room, open the door and listen if up the stairs I truly heard what I thought I did. Nothing. Phew! I finished my breakfast and heard it again. She was definitely up and I knew the right thing to do was to get her to come down and give her her breakfast. So much for my “me time.” I would have to wait.
I got her down, changed her, got her her breakfast and then thought, maybe I still have time to stretch a bit. After all, my back was really sore and really my yoga is so helpful in calming me down. And it really does make me be a better mom. So I poured her cereal and tried to get in my stretches. But no, she was, of course not going to sit and eat peacefully. She didn’t want cereal. She was opening the fridge with shrill whines and a strong intent for something else. I get up from my first downward dog and help her to get something else to eat. She wants yogurt. OK. I go for a spoon. She whines and pushes the yogurt away. She doesn’t want yogurt. She goes to the dish rack and finds her cup. She wants juice. OK. Here is your juice, little miss. She takes it, but still has to whine to let me know that she is not happy. OK. OK. There is a brief moment of peace as I try and continue. Back to forward bend. Breathe. She comes to me. She wants me to hold her precious puppy toy. I try to continue, holding puppy as I step forward into my lunge position. Puppy is doing yoga too! That won’t do mom. You have to hold puppy the way I want you to. None of that puppy doing yoga business!
Again I continue trying to make my yoga work with puppy in my hands and Serafina playing with my toes, her face right in mine as I try to push up into upward dog. The flow definitely is not there. But I need this time! I just do! Come on! How can I start this day without it? Especially since I am so sore?
I feel little arms wrap around my back. She starts hugging me in downward dog. What is up? She is really clingy today! I know this is my lesson. OK. OK. I stop and get down on my knees to hug her. What does she want? What is she trying to teach me? She leads me to the computer chair. She wants me to spin her around in it, one of her favorite things in the world. Jason Mraz’s song, Long Drive is playing. She is spinning and laughing and smiling ear to ear. I get it. I get the message for this morning. This is the long drive. This is the journey.
At first I never heard that song that way before. It could just be about a long drive in a car right? Obvious meaning Tiffany, why speculate about it? Don’t be silly, it is simple.
I think about this often. So often I fall into that trap that I think a lot of us do. It is kind of what we are chasing everyday and every moment. It is what our intellect would have us believe that we are here for. It is enlightenment. Perfect everlasting peace, harmony and contentment. Finding truth. Being enlightened. Call it what you will. All religions have that aspect to their beliefs. An attitude of wanting to transcend the earthly and rise above to heaven. To arrive. To become enlightened. Be free. Born again. To never have to suffer in this human skin and endure the trials, temptations and sufferings that this human experience brings. Continually brings. As long as we are here, we will have to bear it. We are clothed in this human, physical body and it is not all blissful. We have our feelings and or thoughts to deal with day in and out. There are other people in their human, physical bodies, with their opinionated thoughts, their judgements and their emotions, wants and needs as well and we have to live with them too, as if living with ourselves was not enough. Our ego often hates that. We are endowed with selfishness after all and really only want to do away with all of the discomforts and difficulties. Being human and having this experience really sucks sometimes!
Why are we here though? Why did we choose to come into these bodies? It is not for nothing. We actually chose it. Most people forget that little detail. Those people in your life, you’ve known them before. You made a pact to be with them before you came. No one crosses your path for no reason. There are lessons to be learned from everyone and in every situation if our eyes are open. Everything happens at the right time and for a reason.
I often wonder why my children chose me as their mother or why I chose them. What exactly was the arrangement? And could I go back and read the fine print on the contract so that I know what I am supposed to do please? I forget and not knowing really makes things so difficult.
Long Drive. Long Night. Best night of my life. With you, riding. Your hand in my hand. The thought of arriving kind of feels like dying. I don’t want to go home and be alone. Could we stay out? Could you, drive a little slower? Don’t matter where we’re going. As long as I’m with you, we could take the long way.
This incarnation is a gift. It is a journey. It is not easy, but we aren’t alone. We have angels, guides, our higher self, Christ, God, whatever name you give it, to help us while we are having our human experience. We are here to learn our lessons and grow in love as spiritual beings on this earth. Not to transcend the nitty gritty, piles of crap in life, our human feelings, thoughts and our ego, but to embrace each trial, each difficult situation and person and every disparaging thought as a lesson to help us to learn and grow. The thought of arriving kind of feels like dying. I don’t want to go home and be alone. I want to be here with my children on earth and all the beautiful souls that have lessons for me. I want to have those difficult circumstances. I already decided on that before I came, I just get confused about who I am and what I truly want and need sometimes.
With my higher self, with the angels and God and all of divinity, their hand in mine as my guides here on earth. With every person and every situation a teacher. With my eyes open to this wonderful reality before me. The drive is wonderful! The journey is beautiful!
Could we stay out? Could you drive a little slower? Don’t matter where we are going, as long as I’m with you. We could take the long way.
When I see the divinity in each moment, how amidst every difficulty and all the not-so-lovely things in life that I have to deal with daily (even hourly) that I am not alone, I really don’t mind taking this journey. It’s not so bad once you remember that this is what life is all about. It is about the drive, the journey.
Let’s get lost, I don’t want to be found. Let’s get away now and be careful not to crash.
We can take the long way.
**We are waiting to see about Serafina’s diagnosis on the autism spectrum, so it has been a really hard last 9 months for me, battling mixed emotions of anxiety, guilt, depression and just being overwhelmed with all that is on my plate (I blame myself for
so much everything). It was hard for me to finally admit that something could possibly be “wrong” or “abnormal” with my precious little angel. One night while tucking her in at night I broke down in tears. I realized that it wasn’t “normal” that she didn’t really ever look me in the eye and that she can’t talk to me and communicate what is in her heart or on her mind. I am grateful though to have this beautiful soul in my life, so full of love and light and utter happiness. She has taught me so much since she was born. She is truly my little angel (as I named her after the Seraphim, the highest ranking order of angels). Even though she can’t speak to me and I have never heard her say I love you. Even though I rarely get a hug and often get pushed away or haven’t had a moment to hold her since she began to walk and I stopped breastfeeding. Even though I feel like I can’t communicate to her and life feels so overwhelming for me, I am grateful for the pact that we made and I will be strong and hold the faith that we will make it through this life together, learning and ever growing in love. As hard and frustrating as it is for me not to be able to understand her and to wonder how much she understands me, I know that it is twice as hard for her, not being able to tell me how she feels or what she wants. I am keeping the faith, learning my lessons and loving every bit of our journey through life together. I chose to maintain an attitude of gratitude for life and continue to hold fast to the belief that everything in life happens for a reason and we are never given more than we can bear.
such beautiful lessons found here ❤
Wow, this is my first time reading about Serafina. I have 2 boys, so my heart just hurt for you and your family as I read. Best of luck with everything and remain positive- she’s beautiful!
Thanks Cynthia! 🙂
I had no idea you were going through this. I have no idea how it must feel but want you to know that your girls are bright spots in so many people’s lives. Love you Tiffany.💗
❤ Thanks Wendy!
Such a touching and real post, thank you… We all feel that way sometimes I think. For me it is the afternoon nap that gives me the “me time” I crave. And that is fairly easy to come by when it’s just me and little man. But when I have little miss here as well, often, the two naps don’t sink up. Just as one is settling down, one is wide awake. So week-ends are a bit trying. But I remind myself that I didn’t become a mom to have ME TIME…
Sending you all I can in positive thought for your little Angel. I can’t even imagine what that would be like. My heart goes out to you. xo
Thank you Yanic! I really appreciate it! 🙂
An honest and real post my friend. Hugs to you. I can totally relate to your mornings. I have had a few weeks of early morning me time, and this week little man has decided getting up early with me is the way to go 🙂 I have been rolling with it, but I do miss it.
I had no idea you were going through that with Serafina. You are not to blame, you are a wonderful, giving and very loving mother. None of this is your fault. She chose you to be her mother, she knows you are strong enough to get through this and be her rock. Hang in there. And if you need to chat you have my email.
Sending love and hugs, and much light to you and your family. xo
Thank you Kim! 🙂
My heart aches for you, hearing what has been going on with Serafina. I hope you get some answers soon and some ways to help both of you. Have you found some support groups with other mothers who can give you advice and support about autism? It is way too easy for us as mothers to blame ourselves for anything that is not as we think it should be, but I’m sure you will transcend that.
That is great that you are getting some mornings to yourself now! My time is usually the couple hours after the girls are in bed. I could be catching up on housework, but I just can’t. It’s time for other things!
Thanks Honey! We have to wait for the official diagnosis before they provide some supports, but in the meantime, I am looking up as much as I can to shed some light on the topic. It is eye-opening for me, I never knew that she had so many of the signs. I guess I was in denial about anything being “not right” with my baby. Some days are really hard, but we are walking this path together, learning and growing into more loving beings because of this. Hope that you have a great weekend!