After writing that post last night, I admit that it was hard to press publish. As convincing as my words seemed, even to myself I have to admit that a part of me knew I was bull shitting myself. I realized last night, after a surprising amount of comments and e-mails, that people do really feel inspired by this blog, my life and our family’s journey.
When Craig got home and read it he asked me, “So what are you going to do now?” I told him that I was going to live my life, instead of writing about living it. I really had myself convinced that I could not do both.
I wrote in that post about how I feel like I can’t blog and enjoy my life, but I realize that that is just an excuse I have made for myself, just like all of the other excuses that I make or situations or people that I blame for the reason why I am not being myself and living my life the way I truly want to.
I know that inside I do have enough strength to do anything that I desire, but the truth is that I am afraid. So, so afraid. There are so many surface fears that I really belive are real for my life, (like what if I mess up with my kids, what if this blog is no good, what if I am just causing harm, what if I am not living my life ‘right’) but deep underneath the deepest fear is finding out what I am really capable of.
It is like Marianne illiamson says, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be. You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Your comments to me last night really opened up my eyes to that fear. I am afraid to let my light shine. I am afraid to inspire others because who am I to do so? I am mostly afraid to let anyone too close or to actually and truly let any love into my life. I have self-sabotaged so many relationships and situations in my life as an attempt to convince myself that I was just unlovable or unworthy. I do that to myself all the time in so many areas of my life. I constantly run away from facing that fact and owning it. I am powerful beyond measure, yet I just continue to play small, which is of no benefit to myself or anyone connected to me.
So, here I am. Just crazy old me. I am not going to delete this space, this part of who I am, but I am going to take back my power and be less afraid to just be me here. I have seen time and time again how that when I am being my authentic self and not just trying to be somebody else to fit in or be relatable is when I draw the most light. The posts I have on the blog where I am actually and honestly being me are the ones that have got the most attention.The times when I have been unafraid to let my light shine.
So this blog will be my space. My time to journal my thoughts, post pictures or share recipes when I feel like it. I am not going to try and force anything but just let it come naturally. I am not going to over analyze whether it is good or bad, right or wrong, I am just going to let it be and be me. If it helps or inspires others, then that is awesome too. I am tired of thinking that I know what people are thinking or worrying about whether everything I do is good or bad.
Today I draw strength from within and keep non keepin’ on. I will continue to live and share this journey I call life. If you still care you are welcome to join me.